I Remember Realizing That I Also Liked Boys, First Fictional Ones (An anime character who I at first assumed was a girl) and Then Real Ones

My first crush on a real (as opposed to a fictional boy) boy was on this ridiculously pretty fem dude, with long hair who wore eyeliner and baby doll tees.  I remember thinking “Maybe I’m normal, ohthankgod” because I’d finally seen a guy in real life who had that special fascinating transgressively feminine something that made me go all giggly and awkward and then realizing that only liking boys who wore dresses and lipgloss wasn’t actually considered normal.

It took me a lot longer to realize I liked boys than it did to realize I liked girls.  For awhile I tried really hard to be attracted to butches because I grew up with the idea that femininity had to be performed for someone who wasn’t, that second wave bullshit that femininity is only performed for the benefit of masculinity and can’t exist otherwise.

For awhile I tried really hard to be butcher than I am for the same reason and thought having fem partners didn’t make sense otherwise.

It took me a long time to unlearn the idea that femininity needs masculinity, and should moderate itself to suit masculinity’s wishes.

I felt like I wasn’t even queer right, because butches could want butches, but femme without butch was an imaginary male fantasy, something that could only exist for the external force of the masculine gaze.  So how did I exist?  How was it that I found the concept of the external masculine viewer abhorrent when it was the only possible reason for my being?

Eventually I learned that wanting the opportunities for intimacy and nail painting and hair braiding of a slumber party but with sex was actually pretty awesome.