for all the women trapped in bdsm relationships

fuck-the-conquistadores:

witwitch:

fuck-the-conquistadores:

witwitch:

You deserve better. You are worth more. You are human, you deserve respect, you deserve admiration, you deserve real love.

He is a liar when he says it is not abusive. He is a liar and you know it, you know it deep down, and deep down you are right. That voice inside of you is right. This is abuse and it deserves to be recognized as such, your suffering deserves to be recognized, you deserve justice, you are worth it.

You deserve better.

You deserve someone who will respect you. You deserve to have your suffering acknowledged as suffering, your pain acknowledged as pain. You deserve someone who will not hurt you to gratify themselves. You are not an object, you are a human being worthy of all the love there is in this universe. And love is not pain. You deserve love, not pain. 

You deserve to know what a healthy relationship feels like. I wish you all of the luck in the world, I wish you to be safe, I wish you to be free.

I don’t think this will change your mind, mostly due to the solely emotional appeal based post your making, but hey, I got time and maybe I can provide a well-reasoned counter-position.

First of all, terms are sketchy here and really fail to define what we’re talking about. What does it mean to respect someone? How does consensual BDSM violate that respect? Given that you declare not to be pain, what is love? What differs a Human being (a loaded term) with an object? Is there a benefit in this distinction? Furthermore, why is love not pain? Or, better phrased, why is pain not part of love?  I think these terms need better fleshing out for your argument to even make sense.

For the remainder of my discussion, I’ll probably declare respect to be the acknowledgement of a person’s wishes and includes the act of following those wishes. I think the concept of “You’re a human” is probably loaded with racist, xenophobic, ableist and heteropatriachal implications that, while you may not have intended to spoken, require us to think outside of a “You’re a human” framework. Furthermore, let us acknowledge love as a dedication to a person’s well-being.

In sum, you’re wrong. Abuse will happen, it does happen, but at no more frequency in the BDSM community than the general population. Furthermore, BDSM doesn’t have the negative side effects you claim it does and, if anything, creates psychological health. Shaming on makes it harder for people to report abuse or become comfortable with their sexuality. 

You are wrong. 100% flat out super wrong.

Respect doesn’t mean doing what someone wants you to do. If someone was committing an act of self harm, respecting them means helping them move past it, not helping them hurt themselves while you get off to it.

Your whole post is nothing but a long winded piece of bullshit excusing the abuse of women. “Well if they said I could abuse them …” NO. NOPE. Abuse is never fucking OK and the fact that you get off to harming another person  is inherently wrong and fucked up, consent is not a magical thing that prevents harm from being done.

When you say I am wrong, you are telling me there are women out there who deserve to be treated as if they are less than human. No woman deserves that. Not a single one. Not even if she LITERALLY asks for it. All women deserve respect, which is something you do not comprehend. You don’t even know what respect is.

By the way here are some source links for you:

You’re 50% more likely to be raped if you’re in the BDSM scene [x]
Kinksters fetishize rape and blame sexual assault victims [x]
BDSM normalizes abuse [x]
radfemale has a comprehensive post on why kinks are harmful [x]
BDSM practices literally kill women [x]

• 8 colorful Venn diagrams to help you visualize why BDSM is abuse
• BDSM’ers cling to “the bedroom” the way racists feel a need to whisper; they know what they’re doing is wrong
• Jian Ghomeshi is irrelevant; what matters is continually denying that BDSM is abuse

And here’s a master FAQ on how BDSM harms women.

BDSM fetishizes slavery, kink is literally sexualizing racism– never forget it.

more proof that BDSM is just misogynistic abuse, straight from fetlife

This is a resource on how people will willingly put themselves through trauma. Subs need help, not to be exploited by gross fucking doms.

This link is about psychological dissasociation, a thing that happens when a sub enters “sub space”

Here is an article about how BDSM reinforces patriarchy and the status quo and is not as subversive as you kinksters like to think, but instead hyper-normative.

Hey guess what? Science says you are fucking wrong. Stop defending abuse.

The first sign that you’re losing the argument is that you altered my original post and removed the entirety of the studies cited on my part. Readers can find the original here and in the paragraphs below.

ANYWAY… I’ll go through one by one.

First, your “50%” link is misleading. The study showed that 30% of the “over 5,000″ respondents had negotiated boundaries violated. They compared this to the 20% rate of rape among the general public. It’s a logical fallacy to make the conclusion that simply participating in BDSM ups your chance of rape. What it *does* show is that abusers can use BDSM as a tool to rape. This doesn’t indict BDSM, but rather shows the potential for danger that isn’t inherent in BDSM, but inherent in abusers.

Your “kinksters fetishize rape” link tells a story of a girl who discussed her rape on FetLife and was shamed and belittled and was blamed for her rape. That’s an example of Rape Culture, which I wouldn’t claim is unique to the BDSM community. 

On the “BDSM normalizes abuse” link, it doesn’t provide any study whatsoever and is unresponsive to the study by Cross and Matheson (2006) which reported that “[n]o evidence was found suggesting that sadomasochists espoused anti-feminist, patriarchal values or traditional gender roles to a greater extent that the non-SM-group.” (This was from the first post you edited). In other words, you’re all ideology based on notions that dominance as inherently masculine, forgetting that dominatrixes exist. Furthermore, the policing of female sexuality under the guise of being brainwashed simply leads to the micro-fascism as discussed by philosophers Deleuze and Guattari. Your understanding is rooted in a gender binary that doesn’t explain how violence can be desired in of itself (Georges Bataille’s example from the edited post is good here).

Your “Kinks bad, comprehensive links” isn’t specific to BDSM. it addresses kinks in all their manifestations, some which are, indeed, bad.

Your “BDSM kills women” post is one of the most logically fallacious arguments out there. Firstly, it doesn’t correlate to a percentage (e.g. “1 in 100 women are killed in BDSM”) nor does it hold any relation to the rate of women being killed in the general populous (if 1 in 100 women are killed in society, it’s expected that 1 in 100 women would be killed in BDSM).

Your “BDSM ven diagrams” are interesting, but don’t respond to the larger argument made by Bataille’s Inner Experience or Jacques Lacan’s Jouissance about how violence is going to part of sex and it diminishes the true terror of abuse. Abuse defined as violence or dominance is misleading because abuse is ultimately emotionally/physically disruptive. Your ven diagram doesn’t show that.

Your “in the bedroom is like racism” post is one, not only incredibly offensive to those of us who have faced racism, but secondly is wrong. You still aren’t addressing the Cross and Matheson 2006 study which shows that actually, there is no spiller. You are all ideology, but no substance.

I’ll sum up the rest of your arguments here. You rely on the same ideology contered above about why “theory” proves your argument, but not empirics nor psychology. In fact, you haven’t cited one psychologist or social scientist. All of the articles I’ve cited prove that. You edit most post so you can seem right, but you’re just clinging to ideology. The TIME article proves that shaming, like you do, only makes abuse HARDER to stop in the BDSM community. Like, could you just read the articles I linked? I’m not expecting to convince you, what I’m trying to at least do is show you that you need better arguments.

A+ commentary also deciding whether I am capable of consenting for me is incredibly fucking condescending and not respecting my right to say yes undermines my right to say no, because you claim to be a better authority on my consent than I am.