BDSM looks like it takes too much effort
what
i think sex is best when its spontaneous and in the moment. People who are into bdsm seem like they go through a lot just to prepare. not saying that some of that stuff wouldnt be fun but like idk i’d rather spend money on drugs to have crazy sex instead of various toys and rope and stuff
+1
I’m not a huge fan of BDSM because of some of my political views but even when I give it a chance in my mind I just don’t find it appealing. I’ve had a partner bring it into one of my relationships in the past and maybe I’m a bad actor but I wasn’t into it at all and felt cheesy as hell, plus my personal biases against 96.2% of it.
Spontaneous, random shit in the bedroom is far more exciting than going into it with a plan of what role you’re going to “play” and busting out a suitcase full of toys. I feel like kinksters spend so much time rebelling from “vanilla” sex and trying to make themselves seem different that they miss the forest for the trees. Toys and even roleplaying can be fun and not unhealthy but when your ENTIRE sex life is centered around it, idk, I get a weird vibe from it.
Meh it can be a hobby like any other hobby, domming is my job, honestly, it’s a lot of labor, subs just kinda get to enjoy the result of all the prep. IDK, I also think a lot of people don’t understand that the dynamics are different between play and the actual relationships. I’ve dealt with a lot of rapey abusive subs in my life, which is one of the reasons why I can’t enjoy domming at all
I still have a hard time decontextualizing fetishization as “just a preference” or “play” especially when considering all the other social dynamics at play. I don’t think it’s really possible to enter into a “scene” as if it were a clean slate, and exit it and just go about your normal life. It’s a cool idea but IDK, I don’t buy it. I’m not the most well-read on this topic so these are mostly my thoughts I’ve gathered from others here and there.
I don’t think you can either, but what I’m saying is that the surface dynamic in BDSM is usually not what’s going on at a deeper level. Like I was abused and raped by a submissive. Like you can threaten and badger and coerce someone into using a whip just as much as you can do badger and coerce and threaten someone onto being on the receiving end. I’m well aware that my sexual play is related to how I’m treated in the outside world, my issues with my mother, my upbringing in a part of the country and culture where femininity was considered the most horrible politically regressive thing ever.
I was more of a lifestyler when I was just recovering from the years of abuse I received at a sub dudes hands. Being a bottom helped me process a lot of my trauma and reminded me that I didn’t have to do things I didn’t enjoy sexually to be a “Good” feminist (my ex was always telling me that the kind of sex I wanted to have with him was degrading to women, but apparently slapping me around non-sexually, accusing me of cheating, lying to me constantly, and demanding I be on top despite my joint problems wasn’t). I also think that claiming that spontaneity is the only way to have enjoyable healthy sex is pretty fucked up. Like as a survivor sometimes the ritual preparation, and the like pre-sexual discussion of what we’re going to do, and having that space to explain where I’m at is the only way I can have sex that feels safe, and is enjoyable for me.
Like I think outside power dynamics come into sex all the time, but I also think that like… saying that a person “is incapable of consent” because they’re from a marginalized group is reducing them to the status of children, denying them bodily autonomy, and claiming that you know how and when they should fuck better than they do. It’s fucking condescending.
I also think that the idea that I’m arguing that you come into sex and out of sex a tabula rasa is disingenuous and fucked up. I bring all my baggage into the bedroom, and it comes out with me too (often a little lighter). You don’t have to claim your sex life is utterly unaffected by the rest of your life or vice versa to claim that BDSM doesn’t have to be unhealthy, people respond to shit in a myriad of ways, I’m not unaware of where my kinks come from, or what they have to do with the outside world. Being explicit about what I like, what I don’t, selecting toys, and scenarios and scenes is a way of having control over something that someone else controlled and shamed me for for a long time.
Like basically, what you’re saying is kind of a vast over simplification and although it is to some extent true, you’re applying it kinda wrong.
Yes, BDSM is time consuming and often requires people work through their emotions and politics. Most don’t decide to just do BDSM every time they have sex because hey-why-not. Most of us do it because it’s close to impossible to achieve orgasm or even arousal without it. Speaking as a sub and a pro switch, bottoming requires a lot of labor as well, just a different sort. But right on about scene dynamics not = actual power dynamics. I really appreciate you adding your perspective as a survivor. I relate to that so hard, and I wish folks would stop pushing their personal philosophies of How Consensual Sex Should Be on everyone else.
Yeah, I’m probably just a lazy demanding bottom tbh… then again I do do certain forms of labor as a sub… I just actually enjoy them, as opposed to domming which I do as work
Thoughts From The Peacock Angel 