Things That Loom Large In My Erotic Imaginaion

bimbotoysforprettyboys:

Have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and looking at the themes that come up in my fantasies again and again and considering what they mean.

• Loss of identity/mind/sense of self: I have a fetish for gaslighting, behavior modification, hypnosis, mind or mood altering drugs (don’t actually play with these but the idea has a lot of power). This is partially eroticized fear, partially a desire to please my partner, to be what they want the way I can’t be what my mother wants. I am afraid of having my mind altered, I am very stubborn, but on the other hand the right person turning me completely into someone else appeals. Identity fascinates me. When do I cease to be myself?
• Physical transformation: related to the above. Our physical selves are also related to identity. We express ourselves through our appearance, and even our natural appearance is connected to our identity, a change in identity is often symbolically represented by a change in appearance. I fantasize about a kind of rebirth. We don’t choose who we are at birth and so the fantasy of having my appearance (and thus identity) altered without much input from me is deeply exciting.
• Psychiatry: I have something of a medical fetish, but my fetishes are for plastic surgery (duh) as well as for psychiatry, particularly locked wards. Psychiatry is symbolically a tool of mental transformation. An asylum is a place where one goes to be changed. Change fascinates me, transformation fascinates me. I also enjoy the idea of the cruelty of practices in historical institutions. I like the idea of my transformation being painful, an ordeal. I want to rse like a phoenix from the ashes of my former self. I want to come out different, remade. I have also been institutionalized a few times and I fear institutionalization, thus I eroticize it.
• School: Another institution in which one is intended to go in one way and come out another. Especially finishing schools which are intended to change manner, deportment and so on, rather than simply educating.
• Mothers: I’ve written about this previously. I was never quite what my mother wanted. I long for a mother who will make me into something they do want. I seem to fixate upon the idea of a man as mother, because there is a magical quality to it, like rooster’s eggs and hen’s teeth (funny how both of those involve chickens) because there is a magical, mythical esoteric quality for what I am searching. A man who is a mother because he recreates me, turns me into a new creature, a symbolic birth.
• Man as Goddess: Connected to the above, again the liminal quality that all the items on this list have. A man who is a goddess is a being of liminal states, with the creative powers of a goddess as well as the femininity that means so much to me. My goddess is ideally powerful, glamorous, dominant, sexual, beautiful, the opposite of the therapist with the neatly trimmed beard and patronizing interest in Native American art with a wife who has greying unstyled hair and wears purple caftans. He is the defense of femininity, glamorous, over the top, unnatural, aggressive femininity. He is proof that it is not done as an act of submission to men. I want to kiss his heels and worship him. I enjoy a man who is like the archetypical dominatrix.
• Magic and Magical Ritual: Magical rituals can induce interesting psychological states, and again are agents of transformation. They also please my aesthetic sense.
• Human Sacrifice: Death with the promise of rebirth. Death and rebirth. Loss of self to mythical archetype. Identity subsumed by the will of others.
• Dolls: Symbolic of a being whose identity is decided by forces outside themselves.

*Consciousness Altering Drugs: If we are our consciousness to alter the consciousness is to alter the self

I think all this means in many ways I find the experience of being myself stressful and would like a break from it, as well as having a troubled relationship with my mother and wanting to be cared for