Sometimes I think some of my upwardly mobile (going to college, with plans for careers in academia) peers in lefty stuff look down on me, because I’m downwardly mobile, and grew up with all these advantages but because of mental illness ended up dropping out of highschool and going to beauty school and then doing sex work because I couldn’t hack it as a makeup artist (partially because I was in a severely abusive relationship, and I was like 19 and on my own except for my abusive boyfriend and partially because heyo, I’m still mentally ill except now it’s worse cause trauma), sometimes it feels like “how dysfunctional and fucked up do you have to be to come from there and end up here.”
I know some people who’re educated and what not and choose to work prole jobs, and sometimes I think they also kind of look down on me because I haven’t read as much theory as them and because I didn’t “virtuously” choose this, I’m here because I have to be.
Like this isn’t a sob story or anything, but yeah, like I look at all the institutional advantage I had and wonder how much of a fuck up it makes me that I landed in this socio-economic bracket when I was so well positioned and like as much as I read and stuff, I often wonder why I couldn’t deal in school (I was homeschooled as a child which may not have helped) and feel like I’m not as smart or capable or together or something.
I know my parents love me, but I feel like a slime mold would be less of a crushing embarrassment and failure than I am sometimes.
And yeah the money’s kind of okay now, but I worry about how many years of pretty enough I have left in me and then what the fuck will I do?
And then I wonder if I’m only a leftist because it lets me feel like what a fuck up I am isn’t my fault, and I’m not bad or lazy or what have you.
But then I remember that that’s capitalist “personal responsibility” wank, and that Marx said that the petite bourgeois will be absorbed by the proletariat and that no one deserves to have to worry about bills
Thoughts From The Peacock Angel 