How come almost inevitably when I develop a close friendship with another woman I develop some type of awful crush on her? How do I stop this from happening? I just want to be able to have platonic relationships with women and I suck at it.
I am not comfortable with this happening. I am monogamous. The idea of being sexual with someone other than my partner (who I do love very much) upsets me.
But ALSO WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
I hope you don’t mind me commenting with my experience. This has happened to me since puberty when I realized that the feelings I’d always had for my girl friends were attraction and sexual awareness. I was always conscious of my friends being very beautiful but also desperate not to creep on them, so I spent a lot of time carefully looking away. The realization that I had to separate friend-feeling from crush-feeling, dividing a previously seamless set of emotions, made me hyper-aware of the possibility of romance or sexuality between us. It heightened discomfort and arousal and yeah, you see where that cycle ends up.
What helps: just sitting through the crush without acting on it; gnashing my teeth privately about how cute my friend/crush is; consciously responding to sexual or romantic feelings with kind of a bland acknowledgment, like “Yeah, my crush is acting up again.” Think Grandma complaining about her weather knee. It’s there and it’s frustrating, but it’ll ease up in time.
The other thing is, it sounds like you’re worried that crushing on your female friends is going against your monogamous relationship. You’ve been strong-willed and self-possessed the whole time I’ve read your posts. You don’t strike me as someone who would decide not to have sex with a friend and then do it anyway. Even the hypothetical is upsetting for you. So, we’re left with your feelings. Even very strict monogamy usually allows un-acted-on attraction outside the relationship. It’s very difficult to police thoughts, and trying tends to make the forbidden thoughts and feelings rise up more often. What if you accepted that romantic or sexual feelings might happen, secure in the knowledge that you won’t act on them?
Oh I’m aware they happen it’s more that the feelings themselves are somewhat… er y’ know pine-y, longing-y uncomfortable
Thoughts From The Peacock Angel 