How come almost inevitably when I develop a close friendship with another woman I develop some type of awful crush on her? How do I stop this from happening? I just want to be able to have platonic relationships with women and I suck at it.
I am not comfortable with this happening. I am monogamous. The idea of being sexual with someone other than my partner (who I do love very much) upsets me.
But ALSO WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
Because, if I had to guess, your mind is wired to connect emotional closeness as romantic closeness, which are very easy wires to cross.
And whilst you’re gladly, and by the sounds of it, fiercely monogamous, you’re also in possession of liberated sexual, romantic and interpersonal politics. As well as being queer. Those things mean that the lines are intensely blurry for you. It’s a pretty normal queer problem/perk, from what I’ve heard people say, that they often end up fucking their friends. But AS friends.
It shouldn’t be surprising that your brain says “I like this person, and they exist within the category of like-like that I have. Do I like-like them? Well, they DO do those nice things I like, that’s pretty appealing…”
Sadly, there’s nothing to do about it all (In my experience, anyway), unless you’re willing to re-examine whether you for sure want to be monogamous.
I’ll also say, you might want to consider whether you LIKE platonic relationships at all. I’ve had, and have, many non-sexual relationships with people, but if I had to examine myself? I keep a very close, very small, very emotional, very connected group of friends as my ideal circle (though sadly, not always actual circle). I’d be remiss not to admit that my ideal friendship concept is at the least pseudo-romantic, a bond describable as love, rich in emotional and physical gifts, to the point of being willing to die for said people if it came to it.
I seek intense, personal relationships. Maybe you do too?
I mean I’ve re-examined it and I’m very sure… It’s not even “want to” it’s just “wired that way” I feel viscerally upset at the thought of acting on outside attraction.
Also I’m perfectly capable of having completely platonic friendships with men (which are very close, there are guys I think of as brothers)
Huh. Then that is complicated, innit?
There’s probably something to be said for the relative and comparative safety of being easily and emotionally attached to women as a woman; they’re not as likely to be dangerous, especially in a romantic subcontext. But that’s hella irrelevant if you’re hardwired monogamous.
I (think I) recall you saying that at some point, you thought you were exclusively into women? If so, it’s not a hangover (or unresolved cause) of that period in your life? In the case of the parenthetical, a compulsive romantic/sexual norm would easily lead one to that conclusion, rather than being bi/pan/whatever.
And if that’s the case, that makes some kind of sense? Like, you’re experiencing distress because of experiencing desire against your normal modus operandi, which sort of implies it might be something you’ve internalized in response to something external. Unwanted and uncharacteristic thoughts that barge into your brainmeat against your will ARE called Intrusive Thoughts™ for a reason by the psych-type-folk. If something repulses/upsets you, your brain doesn’t want to think that way unless it can’t not, y’know?
Could be something to do with how you internalized your socialization as a woman. Could be something to do with how you internalized your queer identity. Could be bleed-over from your kink. Could be any vaguely related axis.
In any case, bummer. Never nice to hear someone who (from what one can tell via a blog) doesn’t suck, suffering.
Well I like fem folks exclusively, and the dudes I tend to hang out with tend to be masculine presenting… so like it’s maybe just a case of “men I find physically attractive are incredibly rare, women I find physically attractive are far more common”.
I can also have platonic relationships with women significantly (and by significantly I mean like… anything more than 4 years at the moment) younger than me or older than me (though that’s more like 20 years)
So it tends to be like… maybe people who I think are hot and potentially romantically/sexually avaliable to me (it also doesn’t happen if they’re attached and mono).
It’s less distress and more like… eh well I mean I do definitely have feelings about this girl. They’re fluttery and pleasant but also the possibility of doing anything about that (which we’ve kind of discussed) makes me feel horrible (like imagining it is okay, the feelings are okay, the prospect of actually acting on them is where the line is for me)
Thoughts From The Peacock Angel 