How come almost inevitably when I develop a close friendship with another woman I develop some type of awful crush on her? How do I stop this from happening? I just want to be able to have platonic relationships with women and I suck at it.
I am not comfortable with this happening. I am monogamous. The idea of being sexual with someone other than my partner (who I do love very much) upsets me.
But ALSO WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
Because, if I had to guess, your mind is wired to connect emotional closeness as romantic closeness, which are very easy wires to cross.
And whilst you’re gladly, and by the sounds of it, fiercely monogamous, you’re also in possession of liberated sexual, romantic and interpersonal politics. As well as being queer. Those things mean that the lines are intensely blurry for you. It’s a pretty normal queer problem/perk, from what I’ve heard people say, that they often end up fucking their friends. But AS friends.
It shouldn’t be surprising that your brain says “I like this person, and they exist within the category of like-like that I have. Do I like-like them? Well, they DO do those nice things I like, that’s pretty appealing…”
Sadly, there’s nothing to do about it all (In my experience, anyway), unless you’re willing to re-examine whether you for sure want to be monogamous.
I’ll also say, you might want to consider whether you LIKE platonic relationships at all. I’ve had, and have, many non-sexual relationships with people, but if I had to examine myself? I keep a very close, very small, very emotional, very connected group of friends as my ideal circle (though sadly, not always actual circle). I’d be remiss not to admit that my ideal friendship concept is at the least pseudo-romantic, a bond describable as love, rich in emotional and physical gifts, to the point of being willing to die for said people if it came to it.
I seek intense, personal relationships. Maybe you do too?
I mean I’ve re-examined it and I’m very sure… It’s not even “want to” it’s just “wired that way” I feel viscerally upset at the thought of acting on outside attraction.
Also I’m perfectly capable of having completely platonic friendships with men (which are very close, there are guys I think of as brothers)
Thoughts From The Peacock Angel 