Also like have I ever explained that like one of the reasons I’ve like spent as much time as I have learning to be good at hair and makeup and the like is because I kiiinda get off on helping partners with that stuff… which probably all goes back to like my first serious crush being an aspiring actress while I was an aspiring makeup artist/costume designer. She was at the time much prettier than me, and like I sort of got off on lavishing her with attention and IDK the amount of closeness stuff like that allowed and like IDK I kinda worshipped the ground she walked on and kinda got off on feeling inferior and like it’s weird and hard to word… 

a twisted self loathing pleasure out of being the mousy attendant while she was sort of… the star I guess, I’m sort of rambling, but then like I got older and turned out pretty but I still like that sense of being… I suppose inferior… though also like I obviously love getting attention and affection and getting to be thought of as pretty by women I like but ugh yeah.

IDK I apparently have a lot of weird baggage leftover from continually falling in love with straight girls.