That person you want to bang may also want to bang you, ask politely.

This may not be (and probably isn’t) the best time in your life, but it is the time in your life when you will have the least joint pain, treasure that if nothing else.

If you’re going to do hallucinogens do them when you’re in a good place with people you trust watching you or you’re gonna have a bad time.

Bathtubs need to be cleaned, an old mesh scrubby thing works okay for this, and clorox cleanup is your buddy.

Most things should be washed on the delicates cycle even if they say they don’t need it, this also goes for how you should treat your friends when they’re going through something hard.

If you’re the type to sew wild oats, get em’ sewed, you never know when you’re going to fall for someone you end up married to and happily monogamous with.  I’m very glad I had all that group sex.

Take care of your teeth, you’ll probably need them later.

Don’t jump off that roof, no matter how drunk you are, and no matter how cool your buddies say it’ll look.

Yes, even if you’re pretty sure you can aim to land in the pool.

The hangovers get worse as you get older, I’m sorry.

Learning to cook’ll save you a lot of money and a lot of tears.

Don’t take that fucker’s shit, no I don’t care how good the sex is, and no they aren’t your one true love.

You have more time than you think you do to do cool stuff, but less time to be wild than you think you do.

Get in the habit of saving and organizing your receipts.

You’ll figure out your taxes eventually, sort of.

Cocaine is actually a fairly “meh” experience if you ask me, there I just saved you a hundred bucks.

Don’t start smoking, you’ll have to stand outside in all weather and nobody likes doing that.

Do what you have to do to be okay, sometimes life’s shit.

Don’t listen to what they tell you about capitalism in school.

Lie on your resume about shit you can pick up on the job, and use your friends as false references if you need to.

Join a union

Be brave, kiddo, you’re probably going to be okay.

Keep on truckin’