Tag: BDSM

I Feel Like The Dynamic With Submissive White Dudes Fetishizing Black Dudes

Makes a lot of shit about power dynamics transcending role in BDSM play clear.

Like white dude subs refer to black men with the N word CONSTANTLY.  SO FUCKING CONSTANTLY, but they also claim to view black men as superior and to want to worship them, but like if you actually had an iota of fucking respect for them you wouldn’t call them the fucking N word.  You’re just fetishizing black men and reducing them to a single stereotype about a single body part and a bunch of ugly caricatures about primitiveness and hypersexuality.

People fixate exclusively on male dominance and female submission when talking about problematic elements in BDSM, without examining how just because someone is playing “dom” doesn’t actually mean they’re in charge.  There are intensely gross and shitty things that are treated as acceptable within BDSM and most BDSM criticism is the most surface, unexamined shit which SUCKS when there are such big fucking problems to address.

Subs can be just as shitty and problematic.

I Really Want To Write A Thing About het Femdom Porn Under Patriarchy

And how intensely misogynistic most of it is.  It’s like an image of female power from a patriarchal society and so like what femdom is and looks like is pretty interesting in terms of what it can tell us about the patriarchy.  I have a vicious headache right now, but like I feel like a lot of it is interesting in what it reveals about the patriarchy and ideas about power

Off the top of my aching head: 

The obsession with strap ons is like dudes being obsessed with the idea that penetration = dominance

Cuckolding is about insecurity over masculinity and also “if a woman can dominate me I must somehow be inadequately male, but also I want to see her get fucked by a “proper” man, the she’s supposed to”

Sissification is again “if a woman can dominate me or I want to be dominated by a woman I must not really be a man”

There’s also this whole uncomfortable clothes = ULTRA DOMINANT on a woman, like corsetry and pointy fucking heels are dominant IDK?  I mean like I love my corsets and never wear flats but like ???

Alternatively “role reversal” shit where a dude sub is in traditionally feminine attire and the lady dom is in traditionally masculine attire is all wound up with notions of masculine power

Fin-domme is just like fantasizing about the shitty stereotype about gold diggers and the idea that women can make men irrational/unable to control themselves with lust

Smoking fetish is like “yeah it’s so dominant when you do something that’s actively harming you”?

Why are there more subs than doms?

But the fact that there are more subs than doms in:
The lesbian BDSM community

The gay BDSM community

The het femdom community

And a roughly equal number of subs and doms in the het male dom community makes me wonder if most people are naturally submissive, but men have been socialized to dominate women even though apparently almost no one actually likes being the one fiddling with bondage equipment

It also makes me think we need to reexamine this whole submission requires a higher standard of consent than dominance, because I’m increasingly sure almost no one actually enjoys being dom.

culturalkropotkinist:

thepeacockangel:

culturalkropotkinist:

psychedelic-communism:

littlestworm:

psychedelic-communism:

BDSM looks like it takes too much effort

what

i think sex is best when its spontaneous and in the moment. People who are into bdsm seem like they go through a lot just to prepare. not saying that some of that stuff wouldnt be fun but like idk i’d rather spend money on drugs to have crazy sex instead of various toys and rope and stuff

 +1

I’m not a huge fan of BDSM because of some of my political views but even when I give it a chance in my mind I just don’t find it appealing. I’ve had a partner bring it into one of my relationships in the past and maybe I’m a bad actor but I wasn’t into it at all and felt cheesy as hell, plus my personal biases against 96.2% of it.

Spontaneous, random shit in the bedroom is far more exciting than going into it with a plan of what role you’re going to “play” and busting out a suitcase full of toys. I feel like kinksters spend so much time rebelling from “vanilla” sex and trying to make themselves seem different that they miss the forest for the trees. Toys and even roleplaying can be fun and not unhealthy but when your ENTIRE sex life is centered around it, idk, I get a weird vibe from it.

Meh it can be a hobby like any other hobby, domming is my job, honestly, it’s a lot of labor, subs just kinda get to enjoy the result of all the prep.  IDK, I also think a lot of people don’t understand that the dynamics are different between play and the actual relationships.  I’ve dealt with a lot of rapey abusive subs in my life, which is one of the reasons why I can’t enjoy domming at all

I still have a hard time decontextualizing fetishization as “just a preference” or “play” especially when considering all the other social dynamics at play. I don’t think it’s really possible to enter into a “scene” as if it were a clean slate, and exit it and just go about your normal life. It’s a cool idea but IDK, I don’t buy it. I’m not the most well-read on this topic so these are mostly my thoughts I’ve gathered from others here and there.

I don’t think you can either, but what I’m saying is that the surface dynamic in BDSM is usually not what’s going on at a deeper level.  Like I was abused and raped by a submissive.  Like you can threaten and badger and coerce someone into using a whip just as much as you can do badger and coerce and threaten someone onto being on the receiving end.  I’m well aware that my sexual play is related to how I’m treated in the outside world, my issues with my mother, my upbringing in a part of the country and culture where femininity was considered the most horrible politically regressive thing ever.  

I was more of a lifestyler when I was just recovering from the years of abuse I received at a sub dudes hands.  Being a bottom helped me process a lot of my trauma and reminded me that I didn’t have to do things I didn’t enjoy sexually to be a “Good” feminist (my ex was always telling me that the kind of sex I wanted to have with him was degrading to women, but apparently slapping me around non-sexually, accusing me of cheating, lying to me constantly, and demanding I be on top despite my joint problems wasn’t).  I also think that claiming that spontaneity is the only way to have enjoyable healthy sex is pretty fucked up.  Like as a survivor sometimes the ritual preparation, and the like pre-sexual discussion of what we’re going to do, and having that space to explain where I’m at is the only way I can have sex that feels safe, and is enjoyable for me.

Like I think outside power dynamics come into sex all the time, but I also think that like… saying that a person “is incapable of consent” because they’re from a marginalized group is reducing them to the status of children, denying them bodily autonomy, and claiming that you know how and when they should fuck better than they do. It’s fucking condescending.

I also think that the idea that I’m arguing that you come into sex and out of sex a tabula rasa is disingenuous and fucked up.  I bring all my baggage into the bedroom, and it comes out with me too (often a little lighter).  You don’t have to claim your sex life is utterly unaffected by the rest of your life or vice versa to claim that BDSM doesn’t have to be unhealthy, people respond to shit in a myriad of ways, I’m not unaware of where my kinks come from, or what they have to do with the outside world. Being explicit about what I like, what I don’t, selecting toys, and scenarios and scenes is a way of having control over something that someone else controlled and shamed me for for a long time.

Like basically, what you’re saying is kind of a vast over simplification and although it is to some extent true, you’re applying it kinda wrong.

whoremoantherapy:

Omg, I read the rest of thepeacockangel‘s argument with that rando trying to claim that bdsm necessarily entails replicating oppressive power dynamics largely based on gender and how the term “kink” is totally different and cool…even though it’s a literal synonym for bdsm except I tend to associate it with rapey hetero swinger types. 

And I’m not going to reblog it since I don’t get into “debates” with people clearly lacking the intelligence to do so. But I want to point out how even though she doesn’t mention it explicitly, it’s pretty clear to me from reading her responses that the reason she fails to see how her argument relies entirely on compulsory heterosexuality is because she’s one of those cis women who fetishizes trans men and doesn’t view those relationships as heterosexual. 

One of the things I basically see as a giveaway in that regard is that she constantly makes reference to “cis men” when specifying their cis/trans status is completely irrelevant to the discussion. And then when thepeacockangel challenged her about her heterosexism she said something like, “Even queer bdsm relationships replicate oppressive power dynamics because they almost always revolve around fetishizing the woman!” And then she went on to write an entire paragraph about how what’s she’s saying applies to queer people too, and using several examples, while literally making no reference at all to same sex coupling. 

You see, this is the problem with abusing terminology. Like she’s been accused of ignoring gay people yet chooses to substitute the term queer for gay in her response as if those terms are interchangeable and therefore thinks what she’s writing makes sense even though she still continues to ignore gay people throughout. Like if the word “queer” suddenly dropped out of her lexicon then she wouldn’t have been able to get away with that absurdist answer. Because how much sense would it make to write, “Even gay bdsm relationships replicate oppressive power dynamics because they almost always revolve around fetishizing the woman!” It’d be like um, which woman? And how can I fetishize someone’s gender when it’s the same as mine? And then she wouldn’t be able to get away with her heterosexist transphobic nonsense that requires so much semantics you have to scroll down around a dozen times just to read it all. 

If that woman is reading this I sort of want to say, “BDSM isn’t the problem you’re describing…men (and to some extent all masculine people) are. You would recognize this if you saw the men you date as men even though they have vaginas. And no fucking wonder you have zero concern for people in same sex relationships. Your entire worldview is so twisted you’ve lost any understanding of what a same sex relationship is.” 

And yes, I’m making a ton of assumptions here. I’ve just seen this pattern way too many times it’s become incredibly telltale.