I don’t think that we can effectively move forward in tackling issues of sexism, racism, sexuality based intolerances, ableism, and so on, while simultaneously claiming that BDSM is an acceptable reality of sexual expression. I feel like BDSM is where injustice has manifested and been sexualized within the realm of kink. BDSM is the fetishization of power imbalance. How can I argue that power imbalances are not inherent or natural to human beings while simultaneously supporting BDSM as acceptable or harmless? I can’t.
I know I’m going to get shit on for this because anybody who ever expresses a kink critical thought ever on this website is bombarded with hate, but I can’t in good conscience support BDSM.
I’m all for kinky sex. You can be kinky without feitshizing power imbalances and perpetuating the power imbalances that exist in our society in a very real and horrifying way. You can be kinky AND ethical.
{Clarification for those of you who don’t know this: BDSM and kink are not the same thing. They are not interchangeable terms. BDSM is a really fucked up subcategory of kink. Kink is the monolith umbrella for all non-standard sexual play and expression.}
This has given me much to think about. I appreciate your making this point. There’s been something mildly bothering me as of late about BDSM after I started gaining more and more social awareness. This might be an articulation of that exact feeling. I need to think.
I mean for me, I think my BDSM stuff is a way of processing and dealing with the power imbalances that exist in the real world. It’s been repeatedly proven that our fantasy lives are more connected to dealing with stimuli we experience in everyday life, and less connected to what we want the world to look like or a rehearsal of behavior. It’s also for me about having someone whose power over me is entirely based on my desire for them, and often takes the form of “How badly do you want me? If you don’t do X I won’t fuck you, because clearly you don’t want it badly enough.” which is about my consent being respected, in fact it’s about a partner who’s only sexually interested in me if I prove that I want them by doing difficult or uncomfortable things, which is comforting in a society where women are socialized to be passively agreeable and to see sex as a duty within relationships.
For me, also the object of worship is a sort of symbolic opposition to the oppressive forces in the world, a comforting voice of “their judgements are wrong, your world view isn’t absurd, you’re not alone.”
Also I have complicated mommy issues… so that’s a thing.
Thoughts From The Peacock Angel 