Democrats:
Bernie Sanders: I promise to murder and devour at absolute max only two thousand babies, poke you each only in one eye, kick less than five hundred adorable puppies, and only pinch the american citizenry with a giant pinching machine on alternate tuesdays
Hillary Clinton: I will devour at maximum four thousand babies, poke you all in both eyes but kick you in the shins only once per quarter, kick less than one thousand adorable puppies, and pinch the American citizenry with a giant pinching machine only on tuesdays, but I’m actually electable and trust me you don’t want the other guy

Republicans:
Donald Trump: I’m not sure if I’m trying to get elected or auditioning for the part of Immortan Joe. Hillary is weak because she is unwilling to kill more babies.
Marco Rubio: I’m also not sure if I’m trying to get elected or auditioning for the part of Immortan Joe, but phrased more tactfully. I will minimize the baby killing, unless they deserve it and they all definitely deserve it.
Ben Carson: Immortan Joe and I are BFFs, here are some obviously photoshopped pictures of us hanging out.
Carly Fiorina: I will kill all the babies because that is the only way to remain competitive with China. I am also auditioning for the part of Immortan Joe, because I can trample the rights of women just as hard as any man.
Mike Huckabee: I am Immortan Joe’s father, and I’ll whip his liberal behind for teaching his wives to speak.
The Rest: We sound semi-reasonable next to the rest of the clowns in our party, and what do you want some liberal elite (which we are also, but we’re not bringing that up) ruling you?