Tag: femme

butchcommunist:

I wonder if anyone has written about lesbianism itself as a transgression of femininity because it seems to me like that would be interesting. It’s something I’ve been thinking about. I def don’t think femme lesbians are rewarded for performing femininity the way straight women are for sure. But maybe that’s just plain old lesbophobia. Idk.

I know that when I’ve been in more visibly queer relationships men were very offended that my performance of femininity wasn’t for them (and would try to insist my girlfriend, another femme, and I were being dishonest when we rejected their sexual advances), and even now that my relationship is straight passing (but my partner is a GNC man) a lot of men are offended that my performance of femininity isn’t for the benefit of masculine men (I explain to them that I’m pretty much only attracted to other feminine people), and assume that I’m sexually available because my partner isn’t traditionally masculine enough.  I don’t know what it means but that’s what I’ve experienced.  

I think the idea of femininity existing as anything but a service for masculinity scares and upsets people.

leighalanna:

thepeacockangel:

throughmotion:

pixiewithapurpose:

Girls who “reclaim their femininity” are just… so mysterious to me. Who exactly tried to take it from you? Who told you that being feminine wasn’t a-okay? idk I’ve never heard any social message that wasn’t urging me to wear makeup and tight clothes, to shave and to be girly. Sounds more like you internalized the message that you shouldn’t be like those “ugly, hairy, unladylike women” to the point where you’d do anything to distance yourselves from them. Including spewing the lie that they’re somehow more accepted than you are.

the answer is men. who has tried to take my femininity, my sexuality, my very personhood? men. I don’t know about straight women, but when femmes talk about reclaiming femininity, we’re talking about taking it back from men & their gaze—defiantly asserting that our femininity & our sexuality does not exist for their benefit or in relation to them at all. I am not distancing myself from butch women by naming myself femme.

Actually, I grew up in an enviornment where girly clothes, makeup and all the rest was for “stupid girls” and I recognize that this is not common, but I grew up in an area where the proliferation of second wave was very thorough.

My mother would never let me wear what I liked it was always “too frou frou”, makeup was for girls who didn’t think or care about the enviornment or whatever stupid bullshit, and basically the only acceptable thing was to be an utterly self sacrificing earth mother who spent all her time barefoot and making organic vegan food so the men could talk about how ethical and progressive they were.  It wasn’t about being butch, it was about not taking time for yourself.  The acceptable woman isn’t selfish, doesn’t deck herself in shiny things or spend hours painting her face because that is unacceptable vanity and immodesty (at least where I’m from) and the criticism of “vanity and immodesty” got turned into something “radical” by hippie dudes who just want you barefoot in the kitchen and not messing with your hair because it interferes with your schedule of serving their domestic needs.

Like butchness and femmeness are both unacceptable to men, butchness because it refuses to be sweetly feminine, and femmeness because it’s self focused and not focused on caring for the needs of men.

And let’s not lose sight of the fact that just because femininity is forced on and expected of women does not mean that it isn’t constantly denigrated and reviled. Like, far be it from me to come out in favor of weaponized femininity, but the idea that women have unchallenged ownership of their relationship to beauty is childish bollocks.
And this is in no way antithetical to the relationship of butch or masculine presenting women to *their* beauty.

Or general worth and goodness because beauty is a bollox word in my opinion.  Butch and femme both challenge the idea that femininity is performed as a service for men (and the societal idea that femininity is only acceptable to the degree that a man wants and accepts it, no more, no less)

throughmotion:

pixiewithapurpose:

Girls who “reclaim their femininity” are just… so mysterious to me. Who exactly tried to take it from you? Who told you that being feminine wasn’t a-okay? idk I’ve never heard any social message that wasn’t urging me to wear makeup and tight clothes, to shave and to be girly. Sounds more like you internalized the message that you shouldn’t be like those “ugly, hairy, unladylike women” to the point where you’d do anything to distance yourselves from them. Including spewing the lie that they’re somehow more accepted than you are.

the answer is men. who has tried to take my femininity, my sexuality, my very personhood? men. I don’t know about straight women, but when femmes talk about reclaiming femininity, we’re talking about taking it back from men & their gaze—defiantly asserting that our femininity & our sexuality does not exist for their benefit or in relation to them at all. I am not distancing myself from butch women by naming myself femme.

Actually, I grew up in an enviornment where girly clothes, makeup and all the rest was for “stupid girls” and I recognize that this is not common, but I grew up in an area where the proliferation of second wave was very thorough.

My mother would never let me wear what I liked it was always “too frou frou”, makeup was for girls who didn’t think or care about the enviornment or whatever stupid bullshit, and basically the only acceptable thing was to be an utterly self sacrificing earth mother who spent all her time barefoot and making organic vegan food so the men could talk about how ethical and progressive they were.  It wasn’t about being butch, it was about not taking time for yourself.  The acceptable woman isn’t selfish, doesn’t deck herself in shiny things or spend hours painting her face because that is unacceptable vanity and immodesty (at least where I’m from) and the criticism of “vanity and immodesty” got turned into something “radical” by hippie dudes who just want you barefoot in the kitchen and not messing with your hair because it interferes with your schedule of serving their domestic needs.

Like butchness and femmeness are both unacceptable to men, butchness because it refuses to be sweetly feminine, and femmeness because it’s self focused and not focused on caring for the needs of men.

I Remember Realizing That I Also Liked Boys, First Fictional Ones (An anime character who I at first assumed was a girl) and Then Real Ones

My first crush on a real (as opposed to a fictional boy) boy was on this ridiculously pretty fem dude, with long hair who wore eyeliner and baby doll tees.  I remember thinking “Maybe I’m normal, ohthankgod” because I’d finally seen a guy in real life who had that special fascinating transgressively feminine something that made me go all giggly and awkward and then realizing that only liking boys who wore dresses and lipgloss wasn’t actually considered normal.

It took me a lot longer to realize I liked boys than it did to realize I liked girls.  For awhile I tried really hard to be attracted to butches because I grew up with the idea that femininity had to be performed for someone who wasn’t, that second wave bullshit that femininity is only performed for the benefit of masculinity and can’t exist otherwise.

For awhile I tried really hard to be butcher than I am for the same reason and thought having fem partners didn’t make sense otherwise.

It took me a long time to unlearn the idea that femininity needs masculinity, and should moderate itself to suit masculinity’s wishes.

I felt like I wasn’t even queer right, because butches could want butches, but femme without butch was an imaginary male fantasy, something that could only exist for the external force of the masculine gaze.  So how did I exist?  How was it that I found the concept of the external masculine viewer abhorrent when it was the only possible reason for my being?

Eventually I learned that wanting the opportunities for intimacy and nail painting and hair braiding of a slumber party but with sex was actually pretty awesome.