Me, explaining why to my doctor why I want an STD panel: I just want to know if it’s safe for my boyfriend to drink my blood ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Brilliant BDSM scene ideas

-buereacracy play: you will need a wheeled service window, a variety of complex and difficult to fill out forms, numbered rooms, pens and a selection of glasses, wigs, fake moustaches etc. The dom sits behind the window and the sub is sent to a variety of rooms to retrieve and file various forms by the dom in various disguises. The scene ends when the sub successfully applies for a building permit in the city of Duluth and files the title for a combine harvester

– Goose play: you will need a strong fiberglass beak and a pair of wings made of a material suitable for giving beatings, along with a fake clump of reeds large enough for the dom to hide in. The sub approaches the reeds and then spends the rest of the scene being chased/pecked/whacked by the wings of the angry goose dom. The scene ends when the sub collapses in exhaustion

Dude, when you tell me you “could easily become your worst nightmare” what I hear is “If you do a live session with me, your skin will definitely end up as a macrame plant hanger”

Me: Gets sad about a short story about a turtle I read four months ago.
Also me: LMAO stick ur dick in a jar of ghost peppers, you fucking losers.

Me as I spend way too much money on a fancy hotel to have sex in: NOTHING’S TOO GOOD FOR THE WORKING CLASS

I mean sure, the garden of Eden sounds good at first, you’ve got nudity, you’ve got a wide variety of fruit, but like… it’s not the fun kind of nudity so really what’s the point?

People who are totally anti-sex-bot have clearly never thought about the many, many people who have spent their entire lives dreaming of getting railed by an animatronic centaur with a sexy French name. I have definitely never dreamed of Adrien’s strong hydraulic embrace, or what it’d be like to brush his shiny magnificent tail, but like for people who have, you know?

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)