I’m an Aquarius so I don’t really believe in astrology

I’d say I’m not bad I’m just drawn that way but also I am legitimately bad, not like in terms of my fidelity (I’m fairly good at that) just like… as a person in an overall way.

Note to self:

Start saying “blast off” at the end of orgasm countdowns for clients.

It’s such a shame that I, even though I am so beautiful, will age and die like people who aren’t as pretty as me

Me at work

(erotic hypnostist voice): pissssssssss the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

The best revenge is telling your enemies that you can’t have a meaningful debate with them until they’ve read everything Foucault ever published.

Client: Why do you have a hammer and sickle tattoo?
Me: I’m a straight up communist, buddy.

I keep slipping my phone into the box of tampons I keep by the toilet for no reason and then I’m like “what part of me thinks this is the right place to put my phone? What part of my brain sees a box of tampons and is like ‘this THIS is where a phone goes?’ It’s been way too many times to be a coincidence at this point.”

Karaoke Bangers for When You’re a Time Traveler from 1916:

– Sweet Adeline

– Poor Little Buttercup

– The Battle Hymn Of The Republic

– Over There

– A Bicycle Built For Two

– The Man On The Flying Trapeze

– Bill Bailey, Won’t You Please Come Home?

– Annie Laurie

– Goodnight Irene

I’m a deeply spiritual person. *throws crystals*