So I have a theory as to the at least partial origin of at least some kinks (I’m not saying this is universally true, or saying there’s anything wrong with this being an origin for a kink, especially as it’s the origin of a lot of my kinks). I thought of it while seeing another leftbook group argue over whether BDSM was inherently reactionary:

So it seems to me that most fetishes are at least partially composed of an anxiety. We already know that sex and fear are linked by their involvement with the sympathetic nervous system, in fact there is an amusing anecdote about WWII fighter pilots having… certain ahem, “Difficulties” upon returning home from the front, and doctors advising their wives to put vacuum cleaners under the bed, so as to mimic the conditions of the cockpit… it apparently worked.

Similarly, as a child I had a very very intense phobia of haircuts. I refused to have my own hair cut and I could not bear to watch others’ hair being cut, I couldn’t even read about it without bursting into tears (incidentally this is why I never saw Mulan as a child) as I got older this anxiety became a fascination and fetish. The thing is, seeing people get their hair cut does still make me deeply anxious, as does getting mine cut… it just also makes me deeply horny.

This, of course, explains most BDSM submissives pretty well, we are afraid of pain, of being helpless and of other such things, and so submissive fantasies are rooted in those anxieties.

But what of dominants? What are they afraid of? Well, I believe it is important to point out that often the most enduring monsters in pop culture and oral tradition are monsters one is at risk of becoming, vampires, werewolves, and zombies to name only a few. We are just as afraid of becoming monsters as we are of being in the monster’s clutches. Though actually, I think one of the reasons there are overall more subs than doms is because “there’s a monster behind that tree” is a more common anxiety than “I am becoming the monster” overall, BUT also heterosexual male doms are more common than other types because they are the most likely to be anxious that their desires are inherently predatory because their desires are the most likely to in fact be predatory.

Additionally, I believe that the desire to be humiliated by being assigned a given trait isn’t always about believing there’s something inherently wrong with being “thing X” so much as it is knowing that being “thing X” is a thing society punishes. Often times these are categories society actually attributes or threatens to attribute to us in one way or another. Existing within a currently stigmatized category is scary, and thus the fetish and sense of humiliation.

And honestly, as someone who inhabits a fair number of “category X”s sometimes hearing the word you live in fear of hearing in a controlled environment is exposure therapy of a kind. I’m not saying fetishes can’t be problematic or are above political scrutiny. I’m not advocating any action at all really, all I’m doing is proposing a model by which some of this bubbles up for us at least some of the time.

I honestly can’t think of one kink I have that isn’t born of an anxiety of some sort, another biggy of mine (bimbofication) comes from anxieties surrounding class and perceived intelligence, along with like having grown up in the “I Am Not A Pretty Girl” “Down with Barbies” era in Western Massachusetts where the “I don’t want to be a stupid girl” rhetoric was in full swing, combined with anxiety over my long history of being willing to do some damned impressively ridiculous stunts in order to get laid by people I thought were hot (including moving to New Jersey and flying to New Zealand… they both worked so… y’ know but still) and like fear of what someone I wanted to bang badly enough could get me to do to myself. Obviously many fetishes have elements of wish fulfillment and so on involved as well, and of course fetishes don’t exist in a vacuum, I just think they’re usually more of a mirror than a projector and what’s under the mirror “in the medicine cabinet” as it were or some forced metaphor like that can be all sorts of things from cotton balls and bandages to a collection of human ears, our motivations for doing things are complex and our sexual desires are rarely a strict 1 to 1 correlation in any direction.

I also think that there are a lot of fetishes born of living in an oppressive society that aren’t necessarily a perpetuation of oppression in and of themselves. In a society where women were never treated badly for being promiscuous the word “slut” probably wouldn’t carry much of an erotic charge for me, but I live in a society that’s pretty shitty to promiscuous women and so I know to be afraid of people calling me that, and fear becomes arousal because human brains are weird and badabingbadaboom I’m masturbating to the thing I’m justifiably frightened of.

Incidentally, I feel like this would be a good time to mention that I once knew a guy who really wanted to bang the Alien Queen from Alien.

But anyway another thing I’ve noticed is a lot of the time anti-BDSM people mention the motivations of the dom, and pro-BDSM people focus on the motivations of the sub, and like I think that leads to problems, because like the power dynamics at play in a BDSM thing are COMPLICATED AS FUCK and the person holding the whip isn’t always the most likely to be the oppressive one, for example, white male cuckolding subs who are obsessed with black guy’s dicks and use slurs to refer to them but claim to be just DESPERATE to submit to a black guy… he’s definitely got the social power, his anxiety is the anxiety of wanting to maintain his social power and privilege and it’s shitty and gross and that is one problematic as hell sub, or for another example dude’s who send dick pics to nonconsenting women in the hopes that they’ll humiliate them. For an example of a top who was in turn not being shitty, was an ex-girlfriend of mine who’d grown up in a homophobic household being told lesbians were predatory and dangerous, which as she was a decent human being who didn’t want to hurt anyone scared her lesbian-y self quite a lot and lead her to worry she was predatory and dangerous which caused her fear of being predatory and dangerous to kick in during sexy times, which lead to thoughts of being predatory and dangerous being associated with sexy times and badabingbadaboom now she likes tying ladies up and the fact that she’s never actually harmed anyone helps her feel sure she’s definitely not actually a monster.

Additionally, roleplaying/depiction/fantasy isn’t inherently advocacy. Sometimes I imagine really terrible shit, sometimes I have trouble getting really terrible shit out of my head, sometimes I write down that terrible shit, or play it out with my partner to get it out of my head. I’m an incredibly guilt-prone person, and although I’m a lifestyle sub, I’m also a nonsexual sadist and I think it’s because I’m incredibly guilt prone. After a lifetime of “what if I stole the cookie and forgot?” and imp of the perverse desire to confess to sins I didn’t commit, there’s actually a sort of relief in spanking the hell out of a sub because it turns out I’m not actually a monster, I stop, I don’t keep going, I don’t harm people. It makes the fantasy less rather than more real in a weird way. Fetishes are often those intrusive “what if I did a really bad thing?” or “What if something really bad happened?” fantasies and of course our ideas of what bad things we might do or have befall us are shaped by our identity and experiences but like in most cases they remain “a really bad thing” even when we’re coming and we don’t need them normalized and cutesified and acceptable, they’d lose their erotic power then, and only when the scary thing ceases to be scary will we get rid of the fetish for the scary thing

So yeah… I think fetishes are often more like that thing where you can’t stop thinking about jumping off when you’re on the edge of a high thing than fantasizing about winning the lottery and buying your dream house.

Incidentally, I think the popularity of the whole CG/lg thing with young women right now has a lot to do with the stagnant economy and lack of ability for the younger generation to move into what we think of as traditional adulthood, so it’s a fear fantasy of “what if I’m forced to remain helpless and dependent forever”

Additionally, no I don’t know why I was scared of haircuts as a kid. I just was.