Tag: Life

How am I doing?

I’m getting divorced and moving to California to be with my Satanic seminarian boyfriend.

Turns out getting married at 22 without having entirely figured out your gender identity is like… ehhhh as an idea, but like my life is pretty awesome even though I’m sick right now because I’m lying on the sofa in my boyfriend’s place and working on my nano which is really fucked up weird erotica.

The Quality of Light

The air is like bath water as I walk to the corner store and I see into people’s windows, family photos and personal touches in their interior decor, a table in the shape of an elephant, a beaded lamp shade, a fancy coffee maker, a map of the world, and I love them for their familiar humanity, for the too hot night air we’re all breathing, for the sounds of the city on a Sunday night.

I want to write a love letter to the cracks in the sidewalks of my neighborhood, to the smell of food wafting out of opened windows, the quality of the light in Providence on summer nights like these.

So in therapy I found out I’ve been in denial about being a dude for years and years, but also like I am fairly content living as my over the top drag queen self… as long as like I work towards being acknowledged as that more.

Like, I’m not butch or masc or whatever at all, I’m a gigantic queen, but like… I was talking about my gender feels and my therapist had me (without thinking) place myself on a gender spectrum, and well guess where my lil’ X ended up.

The chill of the night freezes my hands, makes fingers clumsy and yet here I am, awake at this hour.  I can’t say I wouldn’t choose this.  I require the solitude of three AM now and then, no I’m lying.  I need it more often than not.