Tag: queer

I feel weird cause IRL I don’t have many girl friends, most of my IRL friends are dudes… this has been true for most of my life.  TBH I think it’s because I’m faaaairly gay and I tend to feel super awkward around straight women because I think I’m very aware of a lot of stereotypes about “predatory lesbians” and like had to be hyper aware of them during a lot of my formative years so I tend to avoid physical and/or emotional intimacy with straight women, but also my current relationship is straight passing and I feel kind of awkward in LGBTQ+ spaces a lot of the time (especially because like… IDK I sometimes feel like people assume I’m straight because of how I look… actually a lot of people assume I’m straight because of how I look.) and I dunno… I’m a feminist, I don’t think I’m dismissive of other women, I’ve definitely tended to have more “girl friends” when I’ve had girlfriends because it was easier to hang out with other WLW and not feel weird.  Though also a lot of the time when I develop a close friendship with another woman it kinda turns into something romantic and I feel really weird and bad about that.

IDK I feel isolated and queer and like maybe I am a “predatory lesbian” because I can’t be emotionally close to other women my own age without catching feelings (which is additionally complicated by the fact that I am profoundly monogamous)

I Remember Realizing That I Also Liked Boys, First Fictional Ones (An anime character who I at first assumed was a girl) and Then Real Ones

My first crush on a real (as opposed to a fictional boy) boy was on this ridiculously pretty fem dude, with long hair who wore eyeliner and baby doll tees.  I remember thinking “Maybe I’m normal, ohthankgod” because I’d finally seen a guy in real life who had that special fascinating transgressively feminine something that made me go all giggly and awkward and then realizing that only liking boys who wore dresses and lipgloss wasn’t actually considered normal.

It took me a lot longer to realize I liked boys than it did to realize I liked girls.  For awhile I tried really hard to be attracted to butches because I grew up with the idea that femininity had to be performed for someone who wasn’t, that second wave bullshit that femininity is only performed for the benefit of masculinity and can’t exist otherwise.

For awhile I tried really hard to be butcher than I am for the same reason and thought having fem partners didn’t make sense otherwise.

It took me a long time to unlearn the idea that femininity needs masculinity, and should moderate itself to suit masculinity’s wishes.

I felt like I wasn’t even queer right, because butches could want butches, but femme without butch was an imaginary male fantasy, something that could only exist for the external force of the masculine gaze.  So how did I exist?  How was it that I found the concept of the external masculine viewer abhorrent when it was the only possible reason for my being?

Eventually I learned that wanting the opportunities for intimacy and nail painting and hair braiding of a slumber party but with sex was actually pretty awesome.  

I’m sorry that straight privilege makes you feel sad. I might be sorrier if I wasn’t at constant risk of homelessness and violence because I chose women instead of men. get a grip.

chose

Yeah, this is definitely a decision I came to.

Yes, risk of homelessness and violence sucks, though frankly when I’ve been in relationships that were not straight passing (as in appeared queer to a standard observer) I wasn’t at high risk for that, you know as a white person in a liberal east coast city with a certain amount of money

I still received the benefits of my other privileges when I was not straight passing.

If you’re white and monied (as I strongly suspect you are, anon) you’re also not the one at risk of those things.

I Have A Lot Of Feelings About Feeling Alienated From The Queer Community Since Marriage

And like my relationship is straight passing, and I understand that in certain ways I’m immensely privileged because of this, and other factors, and like a lot of queer issues aren’t ones I really have to directly deal with at this point in my life, but I still feel really alone a lot… especially when it used to be a community I was so actively involved in when I was living in New York and New Jersey, and I still have that pang of “that’s me they’re talking about” in stuff regarding queer issues, and it’s not as if my sexuality or gender shit is different from what it always was.

and then I put Mrs. in front of my name and have a husband.  Like queer spaces are mostly not ones where I fit anymore, but I don’t fit in with cishets very well a lot of the time, at least not with the sense of belonging I had with other queer people.  Like, at this point every social interaction irl with another queer person reminds me of how much more comfortable I am there.

Like there are very few places I’ve ever had a real sense of belonging and that was one.