So you’re a sex worker, and all you want is to date without dealing with A: People’s shitty attitudes towards your profession, B: People being ultra creepily into what you do, C: General bullshit.

This is hard because society is a shit, and treats us like we’re dirty and chronically unfaithful (fun fact: Sex work is a shitty customer service job, we may actually be less likely to cheat on you because work makes us hate people)

So how’s a sex worker to get a decent date in this whorephobic shit hole?  Now first, let me acknowledge that I am in many ways ultra privileged in this respect as I’m conventionally attractive, thin, and white, but I think I have some tips that are applicable in general to wading through creeps.

1. Don’t date people you meet at work, it’s just generally a bad idea because they got used to the idea of you they were paying for and they may very well have some “different from expectations” bullshit baggage.  There are exceptions, but generally it’s a bad idea.  I’ve never done it, but I’ve seen it, and it ain’t nice.

2. Do date people who hang out with sex workers, and even people who’ve dated other sex workers.  If they’ve gotten used to thinking of sex workers as people rather than an a monolith of sexy-dirty stereotypes, and can treat sex workers well enough to hang when they’re not trying to bang them, then they have a pretty good chance of being decent.

3. Other sex workers are often a great choice, I mean we’re awesome.  Pros banging pros, just be sure to check for lateral and internalized whorephobia.  They’re less likely to get jealous over stupid shit and more likely to understand that, yes Virginia, it is just a job.

4. If you can afford to make the dynamic you have at work very different from the one you have at home.  For example, I’m a pro-domme, and a lifestyle sub.  It makes for a nice work/life boundary, and means that I’m less prone to taking work home with me and seeing client when I look at spouse.

5. Date other people who society disapproves of, the fringes of society have to stick together in a gigantic matted clump if we are ever to trip up the stomping ogre of social disapproval (that metaphor got weird) but the point is?  If society hates em’, they’re more likely to empathize and not use your job as a weapon during arguments/generally be a complete shit.  My husband experienced dire poverty, and being on the dole.  People who are like us, acceptable targets, are more likely to be sympathetic to and understanding of our experiences.

6. “Savior complex” is a red flag.

7. Anti-Legalization opinions are a red flag.

8.  Mooching is a red flag, now I don’t think any partner you support is a mooch, if a partner is there, backing you up, providing emotional labor, cooking food, doing house work, they’re being a good partner and holding up their end of the bargain, which is the “you support me, I take care of you when you come home burnt out from your job” bargain which can be a great bargain, but if they don’t hold up their end of the deal, then kick em’ to the curb.

9. Be upfront about what you do, it helps you weed out the dickheads right off the bat.

10.  If they only want to talk about sex once they find out you’re a sex worker, they’re angling for a one night stand.

11. Generally, if you want a real partner, the high roller who spoils you with cash is better as a client than a lover, that guy is great for $$$ but he’s paying not to have to deal with your feelings, or any of the hard shit.  Keep the high roller and continue to take his money, invest your feelings in someone who while not a fucking cheapskate (note: cheapskate is proportional to how they’re doing financially, if they’re poor themselves, little things can be a big proportion of income and gestures in these relationships are more about showing a willingness to put you before them, you do the same for them.  That said, I can totally understand wanting to date someone who won’t be a drag on your finances, because being pragmatic is often super important, but on the other hand a stay at home partner can save you a lot of money by doing things home cooked meals, housework, home repairs, garment mending and childcare) isn’t paying not to have to deal with you when you’re crying, or hard to deal with, or need emotional support. 

12. Don’t go out with people who contact you through your ads, they’re usually just looking for a freebie and have fallen in lust with a version of your work persona they’ve embellished with their bullshit fantasies.

13.  Watch for power dynamics, if you feel like they’re with you on a conditional basis because of your job, then dump them, you deserve better than that shithead.  Similarly, if your relationship feels like a job, your partner might have been better as a client.  You deserve a partner who doesn’t feel like bringing work home with you.

14. I’ve had good luck with activisty types (after they’re screened for manarchism and brocialism) and artists, both are prone to comfort with the non-traditional.

15. Sex worker and musician is a classic pair for a reason, although in my experience monogamy may not always be on the table there, but for some people non-monogamy is great.  I’ve met a lot of rock dudes with girlfriends who worked in various areas of the sex industry who were totally chill about it and down with sex workers as a whole.  IDK why this is, but musicians just seem to be more down with sex workers than the average civilian.

16. Anyone who’s insecure about their ability to satisfy you sexually is probably a no.  Anyone who’s excessively confident about their ability to satisfy you sexually is also probably a no.  The best is someone who knows they can by asking you questions, and communicating about desires and preferences before, during and after sex.  D knows D is good in bed, but D knows D is good in bed because he asks questions and cares about his partner’s pleasure not as a function of ego, but because D cares about the happiness of other people.

17. You will have to wade through a lot of shit, but the people who are good partners for sex workers are also just some of the best partners period.  They’re kind, generous, open minded, and not prone to pointless jealousy (even if you are in a monogamous, and yes sex workers can be monogamous, relationship.)

18.  If they’re dating you as an act of rebellion, dump them.  Don’t be someone’s piss off their mom prop.

19. Remember that generally like dates like, and sex workers being outsiders often find the best matches in other outsiders, civilians and people who’ve never experienced being the fringe are more likely to be shits about the whole thing, I’m not saying never, I’m just saying that that’s not the main pool to be drawing from generally.  If you end up with someone really non-marginal who for whatever reason hasn’t absorbed all of society’s toxic shit, that’s fantastic, but those people are rare.

20.  Don’t sell yourself short because of what you do for a living.  People tell you that your partner is “settling” for you, and that is bullshit, no one who is truly a good partner will think of being with you as settling