Tag: sex

kittiecunt:

thepeacockangel:

kittiecunt:

thepeacockangel:

kittiecunt :

thepeacockangel :

kiara-petgirl:

kittiecunt :

I don’t think that we can effectively move forward in tackling issues of sexism, racism, sexuality based intolerances, ableism, and so on, while simultaneously claiming that BDSM is an acceptable reality of sexual expression. I feel like BDSM is where injustice has manifested and been sexualized within the realm of kink. BDSM is the fetishization of power imbalance. How can I argue that power imbalances are not inherent or natural to human beings while simultaneously supporting BDSM as acceptable or harmless? I can’t. 

I know I’m going to get shit on for this because anybody who ever expresses a kink critical thought ever on this website is bombarded with hate, but I can’t in good conscience support BDSM. 

I’m all for kinky sex. You can be kinky without feitshizing power imbalances and perpetuating the power imbalances that exist in our society in a very real and horrifying way. You can be kinky AND ethical. 

{Clarification for those of you who don’t know this: BDSM and kink are not the same thing. They are not interchangeable terms. BDSM is a really fucked up subcategory of kink. Kink is the monolith umbrella for all non-standard sexual play and expression.}

This has given me much to think about. I appreciate your making this point. There’s been something mildly bothering me as of late about BDSM after I started gaining more and more social awareness. This might be an articulation of that exact feeling. I need to think.

I mean for me, I think my BDSM stuff is a way of processing and dealing with the power imbalances that exist in the real world.  It’s been repeatedly proven that our fantasy lives are more connected to dealing with stimuli we experience in everyday life, and less connected to what we want the world to look like or a rehearsal of behavior.  It’s also for me about having someone whose power over me is entirely based on my desire for them, and often takes the form of “How badly do you want me?  If you don’t do X I won’t fuck you, because clearly you don’t want it badly enough.” which is about my consent being respected, in fact it’s about a partner who’s only sexually interested in me if I prove that I want them by doing difficult or uncomfortable things, which is comforting in a society where women are socialized to be passively agreeable and to see sex as a duty within relationships.

For me, also the object of worship is a sort of symbolic opposition to the oppressive forces in the world, a comforting voice of “their judgements are wrong, your world view isn’t absurd, you’re not alone.” 

Also I have complicated mommy issues… so that’s a thing.

Your claim that it’s proven that fantasy is a reaction to life rather than a “rehearsal” of behaviour is faulty for a couple of reasons. Fantasy and sexual expression are not the same thing. I may have fantasized about throwing someone in a fire once or twice but I have not done that. Big difference. Furthermore, while it may not be a rehearsal of behaviour or what you would like the world to look like (which it sort of still is, but I’ll come back to that later), it is certainly affecting the world around you when you’re bringing it out of the bedroom and openly discussing it. It perpetuates power imbalances and it perpetuates rape culture. And on top of all of that, we don’t exist in a vacuum. How you react to the world, even through your sexual expression, is going to have the fingerprints of the outside world all over it. I mean, part of the point is that BDSM is not a natural or effective reaction to dealing with power imbalances in everyday life. Actually, bringing power play into the bedroom would only increase stress related to power in every day life because you’re not in any way escaping it, you’re emphasizing it. And finally, if you’re knowingly and unapologetically engaging in activity that perpetuates oppressive ideologies and you continue to do those things and talk about doing those things without apology…. Then you’re obviously okay with openly fetishizing oppression and perpetuating harmful ideologies, which means that you’re okay with a world that looks this way. Otherwise, you would keep it to yourself. 

Also, the scenario you explained is not about your consent being respected. It’s about your agency being taken away. “If you don’t do this thing, then I won’t give you what you need.”  Within the frame of BDSM, and specifically any dom/sub type of relationship, that’s manipulation. That is the sexualization of power imbalance and it is removing your agency. So, no, it has nothing to do with your consent, because the game is that S/HE has the power to make decisions for you. I’m sure there is some way to play on this tease and denial sort of idea without incorporating BDSM ideology and the dom/sub dichotomy. I’ll have to think on it more.

In the case of worship… You can worship a partner without playing on power roles. You do not need to engage in BDSM to worship someone or to be worshiped. 

The idea is that the dynamics of power exchange does not have to be and should not be incorporated into sexual practices because they should not be a part of life at all. If you’re for the liberation of all people, whatever you might label that, then supporting BDSM is entirely counterproductive to your goals because it emphasizes the power dynamic that you would want to liberate people from.

Alright, here’s what really jumped out to me in terms of the rape-yness of what you just said. “if you don’t do this thing, I won’t give you what you need” is absolutely not what’s going on.  No one needs sex.  If I were to tell a partner “I don’t want to fuck you if you don’t wear a condom” or as a sex worker “I’m not going to fuck you unless you pay me” is not me denying them what they need, having conditions on sexual availability is absolutely every person’s right and suggesting otherwise is disgusting.

The idea that a person shouldn’t be able to put whatever conditions they want on sexual access to their body is rape culture.  The idea that a person is ever owed sex is rape culture.  The idea that the actual power dynamic of a BDSM relationship is the same as the play power dynamic is also just wrong… I’ve seen so many dom/mes abused by subs, raped by subs that what you just said is incredibly incredibly rape apologist.

Also the idea that the game is always “the dom has the power to make decisions for the sub” is blatantly reductive and false, often times it’s about the sub having agency and choosing to obey.  About the sub saying “no, I want you to choose.”  Like maybe we’re having a semantic difference here, but like… BDSM to me is not always the consensual non-consent (which is a highly questionable model)

I’ll address your other points later, but that one is just one we really need to discuss.

Except, people do NEED sex and intimacy. And the fact that you could equate my statement to having conditions of sexual availability is just proving that BDSM ideology is rape apology. You’re trying to say that this is fantasy and that it’s about playing a role… Well, then you should be trying to differentiate it from reality, rather than using real and serious problems as an excuse. Absolutely, people do have every right to deny someone sex and they are not wrong for doing so. People NEED sex, but you don’t NEED to give it to them. Nobody is owed sex. Ever. You’re only demonstrating one of my major points. You’re fetishizing consent. That is exactly what you are doing. If the scenario that you explained previously is a legitimate example of conditions of availability, then dom/mes who use safewords are rapists and subs who use safe words are rape victims, and I can make a million other similar claims within BDSM. But it’s not. It’s a fetish. You’re fetishizing rape culture. That is what is happening here. 

As to the bit about dom/mes being abused by subs… Yes. I see this a lot too. Mostly I see Dommes being abused by their cis male subs. Because women are still women even in BDSM. I have yet to see how a male sub isn’t just fetishizing a woman in power. I have yet to see that. Ask any professional Domme who isn’t living in la-la land, and she’ll tell you that herself. I don’t see how anything I said about BDSM and power dynamics would contradict that and how that would be rape apology. 

“People need sex and intimacy” but if “I’m not going to give you what you need if you don’t do X” as a bad thing implies that them refusing you unconditional sex or intimacy is a bad thing.  That’s fucked up

I’m a prodomme, and how are dom/mes who use safewords rapists and subs who use safe words rape victims if I’m correct?  That makes zero sense.

I’m saying that it is a roleplay but also that yes there are real people involved, and even if it wasn’t a roleplay, putting limits on the conditions people can put on their sexual availability is rape apologism, putting limits on the conditions people put on their sexual availability even in fantasy is rape apologism.

I’m really sick and feverish, can someone please come and explain this better than I can right now

Also you’re still arguing from compulsory heterosexuality.

Ugh. I said that people using safe words are rapists or victims if I used your logic that my critique of your scenario was rape apologism. “

If the scenario that you explained previously is a legitimate example of conditions of availability, then dom/mes who use safewords are rapists and subs who use safe words are rape victims, and I can make a million other similar claims within BDSM. But it’s not. It’s a fetish. You’re fetishizing rape culture.” That is exactly what I said. 

When you said “I’m not going to give you what you need if you don’t do X”, it was in the context of a BDSM sexual relationship between you and your partner.

You can’t take things out of the context of BDSM and then compare them to actual rape culture issues. That was my point. Especially considering that what BDSM is, in context, is the fetishization of those rape culture issues. If you can’t comprehend that and if you’re going to continue to turn that on me and call me a rape apologist, when you are defending a culture that is literally all about fetishizing abuse and rape, then I don’t know what to tell you. You are more than welcome to do as you please in your bedroom, but when you take it out of the bedroom it has an effect on the culture you live in. When you engage in BDSM, which fetishizes power imbalances and therefore perpetuates rape culture and abuse, that is a problem. I’m not telling you what to do. I’m simply stating that I do not think expressing this type of sexuality is conducive to creating a culture that is oppression-free because this type of sexuality perpetuates oppressive ideology.

I am not arguing from compulsory heterosexuality. At all. You’re just making that assumption because you refuse to grasp what it is that I am actually saying. While it is certainly not the same thing when a man dom and a woman sub engage than if two queer people engage in BDSM type sex, I still think that it is problematic. First of all, you can’t ignore that the vast majority of BDSM is man doms and women subs. You can’t. Secondly, as a woman who has Dommed and who has conversed with and read the accounts of a ton of other Dommes (not that my or their accounts speak to every experience ever), regardless of the gender of your partner, a Domme is being fetishized as a woman in power, as an abnormality. That is part of the fantasy, and this is especially true when the sub is a man. Your gender does not melt away once you walk into a BDSM scene. It just doesn’t. And even when you try really hard and all of the intentions are good, it still is part of it because you still live in this world where women are oppressed. And I’m sure there are similar issues that play in when you’re a person of colour. Third, if you’re a woman, intersex, or non-binary person ignoring any gender’s ‘no’ in lieu of a safe word, then that is rapey. Differences in gender and/or couplings makes no fucking difference to my point. An entire culture that centers around positions of power as identifiers and then frames their sexual expression around that is fetishizing rape and abuse. That is the entire backbone of BDSM. Power dynamics. Fetishizing power dynamics in any way is not contributing positively to a healthy change in society. 

I’m not telling you that you can’t do something. I’m telling you that doing these things and refusing to understand how problematic it is and acting like it’s totally conducive to creating a culture of liberation is fucking bullshit. 

Ah, okay, you mean “safe words in lieu of no”.  I don’t.  I use no.  Like not all BDSM is play rape.

I think we’re having a semantic issue in terms of what we mean by BDSM.  You’re also ignoring that the BDSM community originates and comes entirely from the LGBTQ community, like old guard leather was a specifically gay community.

I think failing to acknowledge that history is really problematic, because yes, heteros have invaded the community, but it was appropriated from LGBTQ people.

Gender does not disappear when one enters a BDSM scene, but dynamics really vary a lot, you’re taking an infinitely varied thing and claiming it’s exclusively like “this”.

Like for me, my biggest kink is treating feminine man doms the way women dommes are treated, so I like the objectification of the dominant object of desire, and fetishism and worship, I get off on the idea of a partner who is so ethereally, mystically beautiful that their desirability is there power.

Like most straight male subs don’t want to be physically forced, they want to be made to want to and that’s the crucial difference between fem domme and m dom generally, I like reversing that dynamic personally.

whoremoantherapy:

thepeacockangel:

kittiecunt :

thepeacockangel :

kiara-petgirl:

kittiecunt :

I don’t think that we can effectively move forward in tackling issues of sexism, racism, sexuality based intolerances, ableism, and so on, while simultaneously claiming that BDSM is an acceptable reality of sexual expression. I feel like BDSM is where injustice has manifested and been sexualized within the realm of kink. BDSM is the fetishization of power imbalance. How can I argue that power imbalances are not inherent or natural to human beings while simultaneously supporting BDSM as acceptable or harmless? I can’t. 

I know I’m going to get shit on for this because anybody who ever expresses a kink critical thought ever on this website is bombarded with hate, but I can’t in good conscience support BDSM. 

I’m all for kinky sex. You can be kinky without feitshizing power imbalances and perpetuating the power imbalances that exist in our society in a very real and horrifying way. You can be kinky AND ethical. 

{Clarification for those of you who don’t know this: BDSM and kink are not the same thing. They are not interchangeable terms. BDSM is a really fucked up subcategory of kink. Kink is the monolith umbrella for all non-standard sexual play and expression.}

This has given me much to think about. I appreciate your making this point. There’s been something mildly bothering me as of late about BDSM after I started gaining more and more social awareness. This might be an articulation of that exact feeling. I need to think.

I mean for me, I think my BDSM stuff is a way of processing and dealing with the power imbalances that exist in the real world.  It’s been repeatedly proven that our fantasy lives are more connected to dealing with stimuli we experience in everyday life, and less connected to what we want the world to look like or a rehearsal of behavior.  It’s also for me about having someone whose power over me is entirely based on my desire for them, and often takes the form of “How badly do you want me?  If you don’t do X I won’t fuck you, because clearly you don’t want it badly enough.” which is about my consent being respected, in fact it’s about a partner who’s only sexually interested in me if I prove that I want them by doing difficult or uncomfortable things, which is comforting in a society where women are socialized to be passively agreeable and to see sex as a duty within relationships.

For me, also the object of worship is a sort of symbolic opposition to the oppressive forces in the world, a comforting voice of “their judgements are wrong, your world view isn’t absurd, you’re not alone.” 

Also I have complicated mommy issues… so that’s a thing.

Your claim that it’s proven that fantasy is a reaction to life rather than a “rehearsal” of behaviour is faulty for a couple of reasons. Fantasy and sexual expression are not the same thing. I may have fantasized about throwing someone in a fire once or twice but I have not done that. Big difference. Furthermore, while it may not be a rehearsal of behaviour or what you would like the world to look like (which it sort of still is, but I’ll come back to that later), it is certainly affecting the world around you when you’re bringing it out of the bedroom and openly discussing it. It perpetuates power imbalances and it perpetuates rape culture. And on top of all of that, we don’t exist in a vacuum. How you react to the world, even through your sexual expression, is going to have the fingerprints of the outside world all over it. I mean, part of the point is that BDSM is not a natural or effective reaction to dealing with power imbalances in everyday life. Actually, bringing power play into the bedroom would only increase stress related to power in every day life because you’re not in any way escaping it, you’re emphasizing it. And finally, if you’re knowingly and unapologetically engaging in activity that perpetuates oppressive ideologies and you continue to do those things and talk about doing those things without apology…. Then you’re obviously okay with openly fetishizing oppression and perpetuating harmful ideologies, which means that you’re okay with a world that looks this way. Otherwise, you would keep it to yourself. 

Also, the scenario you explained is not about your consent being respected. It’s about your agency being taken away. “If you don’t do this thing, then I won’t give you what you need.”  Within the frame of BDSM, and specifically any dom/sub type of relationship, that’s manipulation. That is the sexualization of power imbalance and it is removing your agency. So, no, it has nothing to do with your consent, because the game is that S/HE has the power to make decisions for you. I’m sure there is some way to play on this tease and denial sort of idea without incorporating BDSM ideology and the dom/sub dichotomy. I’ll have to think on it more.

In the case of worship… You can worship a partner without playing on power roles. You do not need to engage in BDSM to worship someone or to be worshiped. 

The idea is that the dynamics of power exchange does not have to be and should not be incorporated into sexual practices because they should not be a part of life at all. If you’re for the liberation of all people, whatever you might label that, then supporting BDSM is entirely counterproductive to your goals because it emphasizes the power dynamic that you would want to liberate people from.

Alright, here’s what really jumped out to me in terms of the rape-yness of what you just said. “if you don’t do this thing, I won’t give you what you need” is absolutely not what’s going on.  No one needs sex.  If I were to tell a partner “I don’t want to fuck you if you don’t wear a condom” or as a sex worker “I’m not going to fuck you unless you pay me” is not me denying them what they need, having conditions on sexual availability is absolutely every person’s right and suggesting otherwise is disgusting.

The idea that a person shouldn’t be able to put whatever conditions they want on sexual access to their body is rape culture.  The idea that a person is ever owed sex is rape culture.  The idea that the actual power dynamic of a BDSM relationship is the same as the play power dynamic is also just wrong… I’ve seen so many dom/mes abused by subs, raped by subs that what you just said is incredibly incredibly rape apologist.

I’ll address your other points later, but that one is just one we really need to discuss.

This person’s entire argument is based on compulsory heterosexuality. It’s as if they never considered people on equal planes of power in the social sphere could be into power exchange in the bedroom.

Also “kink” in the sense used here is just a neologism that developed within the past ten years or so among mostly straight Fetlife swinger types who engage in bdsm activities yet want to avoid the cultural associations of that term…mainly that everything they’re into originated in gay communities. “Kink” is the “no homo” of the bdsm world.

It also has the same intentional non-specificity that’s problematic about the term “queer” as a personal identifier and came into popular usage around the same time period. People say they’re “kinky” to avoid having to identify with a specific position within the terms that encompass bdsm. This is clearly evidenced here by this “kinky” identified person who is making a point of labelling submissive identities as demeaning.

Thank you!

kittiecunt :

thepeacockangel :

kiara-petgirl:

kittiecunt :

I don’t think that we can effectively move forward in tackling issues of sexism, racism, sexuality based intolerances, ableism, and so on, while simultaneously claiming that BDSM is an acceptable reality of sexual expression. I feel like BDSM is where injustice has manifested and been sexualized within the realm of kink. BDSM is the fetishization of power imbalance. How can I argue that power imbalances are not inherent or natural to human beings while simultaneously supporting BDSM as acceptable or harmless? I can’t. 

I know I’m going to get shit on for this because anybody who ever expresses a kink critical thought ever on this website is bombarded with hate, but I can’t in good conscience support BDSM. 

I’m all for kinky sex. You can be kinky without feitshizing power imbalances and perpetuating the power imbalances that exist in our society in a very real and horrifying way. You can be kinky AND ethical. 

{Clarification for those of you who don’t know this: BDSM and kink are not the same thing. They are not interchangeable terms. BDSM is a really fucked up subcategory of kink. Kink is the monolith umbrella for all non-standard sexual play and expression.}

This has given me much to think about. I appreciate your making this point. There’s been something mildly bothering me as of late about BDSM after I started gaining more and more social awareness. This might be an articulation of that exact feeling. I need to think.

I mean for me, I think my BDSM stuff is a way of processing and dealing with the power imbalances that exist in the real world.  It’s been repeatedly proven that our fantasy lives are more connected to dealing with stimuli we experience in everyday life, and less connected to what we want the world to look like or a rehearsal of behavior.  It’s also for me about having someone whose power over me is entirely based on my desire for them, and often takes the form of “How badly do you want me?  If you don’t do X I won’t fuck you, because clearly you don’t want it badly enough.” which is about my consent being respected, in fact it’s about a partner who’s only sexually interested in me if I prove that I want them by doing difficult or uncomfortable things, which is comforting in a society where women are socialized to be passively agreeable and to see sex as a duty within relationships.

For me, also the object of worship is a sort of symbolic opposition to the oppressive forces in the world, a comforting voice of “their judgements are wrong, your world view isn’t absurd, you’re not alone.” 

Also I have complicated mommy issues… so that’s a thing.

Your claim that it’s proven that fantasy is a reaction to life rather than a “rehearsal” of behaviour is faulty for a couple of reasons. Fantasy and sexual expression are not the same thing. I may have fantasized about throwing someone in a fire once or twice but I have not done that. Big difference. Furthermore, while it may not be a rehearsal of behaviour or what you would like the world to look like (which it sort of still is, but I’ll come back to that later), it is certainly affecting the world around you when you’re bringing it out of the bedroom and openly discussing it. It perpetuates power imbalances and it perpetuates rape culture. And on top of all of that, we don’t exist in a vacuum. How you react to the world, even through your sexual expression, is going to have the fingerprints of the outside world all over it. I mean, part of the point is that BDSM is not a natural or effective reaction to dealing with power imbalances in everyday life. Actually, bringing power play into the bedroom would only increase stress related to power in every day life because you’re not in any way escaping it, you’re emphasizing it. And finally, if you’re knowingly and unapologetically engaging in activity that perpetuates oppressive ideologies and you continue to do those things and talk about doing those things without apology…. Then you’re obviously okay with openly fetishizing oppression and perpetuating harmful ideologies, which means that you’re okay with a world that looks this way. Otherwise, you would keep it to yourself. 

Also, the scenario you explained is not about your consent being respected. It’s about your agency being taken away. “If you don’t do this thing, then I won’t give you what you need.”  Within the frame of BDSM, and specifically any dom/sub type of relationship, that’s manipulation. That is the sexualization of power imbalance and it is removing your agency. So, no, it has nothing to do with your consent, because the game is that S/HE has the power to make decisions for you. I’m sure there is some way to play on this tease and denial sort of idea without incorporating BDSM ideology and the dom/sub dichotomy. I’ll have to think on it more.

In the case of worship… You can worship a partner without playing on power roles. You do not need to engage in BDSM to worship someone or to be worshiped. 

The idea is that the dynamics of power exchange does not have to be and should not be incorporated into sexual practices because they should not be a part of life at all. If you’re for the liberation of all people, whatever you might label that, then supporting BDSM is entirely counterproductive to your goals because it emphasizes the power dynamic that you would want to liberate people from.

Alright, here’s what really jumped out to me in terms of the rape-yness of what you just said. “if you don’t do this thing, I won’t give you what you need” is absolutely not what’s going on.  No one needs sex.  If I were to tell a partner “I don’t want to fuck you if you don’t wear a condom” or as a sex worker “I’m not going to fuck you unless you pay me” is not me denying them what they need, having conditions on sexual availability is absolutely every person’s right and suggesting otherwise is disgusting.

The idea that a person shouldn’t be able to put whatever conditions they want on sexual access to their body is rape culture.  The idea that a person is ever owed sex is rape culture.  The idea that the actual power dynamic of a BDSM relationship is the same as the play power dynamic is also just wrong… I’ve seen so many dom/mes abused by subs, raped by subs that what you just said is incredibly incredibly rape apologist.

Also the idea that the game is always “the dom has the power to make decisions for the sub” is blatantly reductive and false, often times it’s about the sub having agency and choosing to obey.  About the sub saying “no, I want you to choose.”  Like maybe we’re having a semantic difference here, but like… BDSM to me is not always the consensual non-consent (which is a highly questionable model)

I’ll address your other points later, but that one is just one we really need to discuss.

kiara-petgirl:

kittiecunt:

I don’t think that we can effectively move forward in tackling issues of sexism, racism, sexuality based intolerances, ableism, and so on, while simultaneously claiming that BDSM is an acceptable reality of sexual expression. I feel like BDSM is where injustice has manifested and been sexualized within the realm of kink. BDSM is the fetishization of power imbalance. How can I argue that power imbalances are not inherent or natural to human beings while simultaneously supporting BDSM as acceptable or harmless? I can’t. 

I know I’m going to get shit on for this because anybody who ever expresses a kink critical thought ever on this website is bombarded with hate, but I can’t in good conscience support BDSM. 

I’m all for kinky sex. You can be kinky without feitshizing power imbalances and perpetuating the power imbalances that exist in our society in a very real and horrifying way. You can be kinky AND ethical. 

{Clarification for those of you who don’t know this: BDSM and kink are not the same thing. They are not interchangeable terms. BDSM is a really fucked up subcategory of kink. Kink is the monolith umbrella for all non-standard sexual play and expression.}

This has given me much to think about. I appreciate your making this point. There’s been something mildly bothering me as of late about BDSM after I started gaining more and more social awareness. This might be an articulation of that exact feeling. I need to think.

I mean for me, I think my BDSM stuff is a way of processing and dealing with the power imbalances that exist in the real world.  It’s been repeatedly proven that our fantasy lives are more connected to dealing with stimuli we experience in everyday life, and less connected to what we want the world to look like or a rehearsal of behavior.  It’s also for me about having someone whose power over me is entirely based on my desire for them, and often takes the form of “How badly do you want me?  If you don’t do X I won’t fuck you, because clearly you don’t want it badly enough.” which is about my consent being respected, in fact it’s about a partner who’s only sexually interested in me if I prove that I want them by doing difficult or uncomfortable things, which is comforting in a society where women are socialized to be passively agreeable and to see sex as a duty within relationships.

For me, also the object of worship is a sort of symbolic opposition to the oppressive forces in the world, a comforting voice of “their judgements are wrong, your world view isn’t absurd, you’re not alone.” 

Also I have complicated mommy issues… so that’s a thing.

I Identify So Much With Severin In Venus In Furs

it’s not even funny, I’m like “I know that feel, Henry Sacher Masoch-bro” with the desire for the unattainable object of desire, the ideal love being a lover of whose love you are unworthy because clearly you’re with the best possible partner then, they have greater value than you and so in a weird way you’ve won.

The objectified ideal dominant, who enjoys using your desire for them against you is almost never what real dominants get off on, but my understanding of the desire for this untouchable ideal of desirability, of beauty is what makes me a good prodomme, because I know what they want because of what I want

Thoughts On Submission

I don’t really like the whole “I’ve made myself an object for men to use” thing I see with a lot of bimbo stuff, like for me that wrankles because of the lack of agency involved and because like, for me, objectification and submission and all of those things are very very intensely about the personal relationship I have with my partner.  I do not exist to please men, any more than I exist to please the entire population of New Zealand, all people with blonde hair or all dip pen artists.

Submission is to the particular for me, never to the general.  I am my master’s dog.  He’s the only one who can pat me and not get bitten.

I also don’t like the idea of generalized submission, like because I’m group X I have to submit to people from group Y, I want the reason I submit to be personal, not general.

I want it to be like “Well you knew my methods and you hired me to teach you to be a proper lady and you could fire me but you’re not going to because you know I’m right”

or

“Well you admitted yourself to this experimental mental health treatment program and we were completely transparent about what the program entailed and you knew what the consequences for failing to fill out your journal entries would be, and now you can either leave the program or accept your punishment, no one forced you to be here this was your idea.”

or

“You asked me to let you worship me as a god, you’re free to go, but as long as you want to keep me as your god, you will do as you are told.”

I don’t like my BDSM to mirror oppression, something that happens to me outside of my control, I get enough of that in the real world, I like it to be much more of a “You knew my methods when you signed up for this pottery class, I don’t care if you’re embarrassed, you can leave and even get a full refund or you can strip naked and wear your ‘I didn’t pay attention to the kiln temperature and everything in it cracked’ sign and continue to learn from me” situation or a “this is the terms of service for ACME Co Orgasm service they are very clear and easy to read, and you actually can cancel with no repercussions at any time but failure to abide by the TOS will result in penalties or termination of service, at which point you will be free to see any of our many competing orgasm services,:

Like I don’t think my sex life is revolutionary or the solution to patriarchy, but my breakfast also isn’t revolutionary or the solution to patriarchy.

Like questioning whether I can be a feminist based on what I do with consenting adult (at this point there is only one) in my bedroom sounds an awful lot like questioning my “sexual morality” or “self respect”.

Leave me alone, not everything I do has to be revolutionary

Who’s Afraid Of The Superfreaks: Why Women With “Gross” Fetishes Are Important

Trigger warning: This article discusses many deeply disturbing fetishes, including play rape, vomit, blood, fantasies of mutilation, murder, incest. Basically if it’s disturbing, it’s in here, so please proceed with caution.

Our society has a lot of stereotypes about female sexuality.  That women don’t like sex as much as men, or don’t like sex at all, or if women do like sex they certainly aren’t into freaky upsetting shit the way men are.  Porn for women is all about gentleness and soft focus and not being too “dirty,” isn’t it?  Women don’t want footjobs, right?  You won’t see ladies watching Hardcore Anal Twinks 6 or having bloody sexual fantasies that aren’t about Edward Cullen, or getting aroused thinking about having bugs crawl over their junk (that’s totally a thing and I’m sorry I told you about that, entomophobes) or wanting to piss on someone or be pissed on or both.

Except these are all things which turn some women on, so in a society where female sexuality is a commodity, why don’t we ever talk about it?  Because female sexuality is treated like a product and a woman telling the world that she gets off on the idea of cooking and eating her sexual partner isn’t a salable product to most people.  Women with fetishes like these, the ones that unsettle and disgust, are occasionally a punchline on some shock-jock’s radio show,  but most of the time these women are invisible.  Male fetishists are something most people are aware of: the foot fetishist, the guy who buys womens’ dirty panties to sniff, the dudes into the darker gorier stuff.  But women’s sexual desire is rarely seen as truly disturbing, truly threatening to men… sure women’s sexuality is often portrayed as a weapon that can be used against men, but women’s actual desires?  Almost never.

See, I’m a fetishist myself, and believe you me, many of my kinks are upsetting to men… or everyone. These range from the “doesn’t work in real life, but we can roleplay it” gore, mutilation, human sacrifice (in the interest of not seeming as awful as I might, I will clarify that I fantasize about being the sacrifice, not doing the sacrificing, and it’s not being killed so much as tied to an altar and fucked a lot during strange arcane rites… okay it’s still pretty bad) and medical fetishes (okay well I got my breast implants partially to satisfy the last one, so yes “It Happened To Me: I Got Elective Surgery Because I Am A Terrible Pervert” there were other reasons, like self expression and not having enough patience to wait for them to come out with implants that allow me to shoot lasers out of my nipples) to the simply upsetting, like the desire to call my husband mama, which to clarify is in a southern way, not an infantile way, my transformation/extreme plastic surgery fetish  (the mommy kink plays well with this one, and the human sacrifice one because there’s a whole death and rebirth angle that works for me… and have I mentioned I have a troubled relationship with my mother?) and my belief that Silent Hill is an ideal setting for romantic trysts, to the ones that merely upset dudes, like my being a big fan of dominant men in lingerie, and my deep love of man on man action, to the simply baffling like hedge mazes, time lapsed videos of flowers blooming, and human head hair (I just really like long hair… in a creepy obsessive way), and I find that being vocal about the wonderfully grotty, exquisitely vile nature of my actual sexual desires, absolutely ruins me as a masturbatory fantasy for a lot of dudes when they’re actually exposed to the grotesque tableaus that form the basis of my actual sexual desires and if there’s anything I love more than viscera and hedge mazes it’s ruining masturbation sessions for men who aren’t paying me.  Talking about it is also a great way to make sure a guy hitting on you leaves with a look of unrelenting mind searing horror in his eyes, having had the veil ripped from his eyes like he protagonist in a Lovecraft story, except that instead of Cthulhu, he saw the nightmare landscape that lurks inside the head of someone he thought he wanted to fuck.

Lest you think me an exception I put out a call to my blog followers and tumblr in general and got an outpouring of responses from enthusiastically helpful ladies and lady-ish people of various genders on their most socially unacceptable personal kinks.  We have feeders, furries, people who want to fuck dudes wearing cat ears in the ass with strapons (actually I have so many friends that want that, I’m pretty sure that it’s on a par with Ryan Gosling in terms of things women think about while jilling off), blood lovers, lactation fetishists, and so many more!

Anne:

“Alrighty, here goes, then. I am all about sex, all kinds of sex, ranging from the most saccharine vanilla to both ends of the BDSM spectrum; but one of my most intimate kinks, the pièce de résistance to my personal gallery of decadence, is – gasp – necrophilia. My necrophilia belongs purely to the realm of fantasy – although I find putrefaction aesthetically pleasing, rotting meat is hardly a turn-on – but I find that there is something deeply romantic about it. To me, it represents the 1/absolute helplessness that comes with falling in love – extended to the physical body. Because of its nature, the sole fact of sharing this fantasy with someone is a deeply bonding experience. I have a bunch of other quirks that can be considered sexual or masturbatory to some extent; emetophilia  [Madeira’s Aside: Emetophilia is a fetish for vomit] porn on my hard drive; a cutting habit that I am rather open and unapologetic about (not encouraging anyone to self-harm here, it is simply a part of my own narrative); that kind of thing  Those have been taken as challenges of some sort by my some of my sexual partners (fortunately not many, but then again this is not something I share before  before a certain level of intimacy). Mostly guys who dabbled into BDSM stuff. Sorry for the shitty metaphor, but – consciously or not – they seemed to see my kinks as a wild stallion in need of taming; something powerful and fascinating that they would take pride in mastering/topping/branding as their own. Obviously, that never happened the way they planned. I have come to realize that’s how it goes for my personal, intimate kinks,”

If you still don’t think women like this are as common as men like this, keep in mind that I got a message from Anne on my blog almost immediately after I put out the call and my blog has about 2,000 followers, which even if they’re self selecting for more kinky than average…suggests that the Annes of the world aren’t exactly super rare.  Anne is awesome.  We love Anne.

Emma:

“Sooo…I’m into gore (especially blood) and playing dead, and also cannibalism role play.  And lots of other things like piss play and doll play and (explicitly non-food-based) slime.  Like, scenarios involving being dead and cut open are super hot to me.  Here’s a blog post I wrote where my partner and I ended up role playing that they were cutting me up: [REDACTED]

I have not been super active in finding community for my weirder kinks.  Partly because my experiences in the “regular” kink community where I live have been so bad.  The scene in my city seems to be especially predatory, and submissive or bottom-type women get chewed up and spit out pretty rapidly.  I have had some really affirming experiences in classes at major BDSM events, though, including [REDACTED]’s class on edgeplay and taboos, and this awesome couple [REDACTED], who teach on topics like doll play and gross-out play.  It makes me really happy to be around kinksters who are really chill about weird kinks as long as they’re practiced ethically and consensually.

My current partner is very relaxed about basically everything I’m into, and we’ve explored lots of stuff together.  Since I knew they were into things like tentacle sex and blood and dollification before we even really got together, it’s been easy to be open about stuff with them.  Previous partners have been a little trickier—my college boyfriend couldn’t even deal with my mentioning I had cramps, so I figured that bringing up period sex because I like blood would not go over well.  And even the first boyfriend I really got to explore kink with was not at all into “weird” stuff…even piss was really pushing it with him.  I brought it up at some point I think, but he was uncomfortable with it so we dropped it.  He was cool with occasional brother/sister roleplay, though, so at least that was something…”

Emma hits a lot of notes I’ve seen a lot of women report.  If I’m going to speculate (and I am) I’d say that on average women are more likely to be desensitized to blood and gore, as even if a woman does not mensturate herself, she is almost certain to be deeply familiar with the process, and thus blood due to its connection with genetalia is more likely to become an erotic fixation.  I have no idea if it’s true, but it’s a fun little idea.

Michelle:

“What would you count as a gross fetish? I have a big breastfeeding/erotic lactation fetish which some might cringe at. Also ageplay/incest play are kind of creepo fetishes I’m into.”

I revel in seeing so many women love so many rich and varied bodily fluids, and no I’m not kidding.  It’s nice to see how diverse and varied human sexuality can be, why just today I had a call from a sub who fantasized about having his balls replaced with bull testicles.

I love how abstract humans can make sex.  I love how varied we are in terms of how we want to have sex, and  I really mean that, it warms my heart to see how unique and individual human sexuality is.  We’re ghastly and beautiful and so very very heart wrenchingly human and honestly I just want to type little hearts in here because humanity is so miraculous ❤ ❤ <3.

Nadia:

“Mine isn’t that bizarre, but my ‘out there’ fetish is undercuts or good haircuts that involve shaved sides. My last partner was into it and reacted by keeping her hair shaved on the sides. I liked thinking of rubbing my genitalia against it, and how it would feel. I got off on it a lot and I’ve kidded with my current partner about the fetish because she’s more vanilla than my past partner. I’ve never understood the fetish but I haven’t come across anyone in the community who shares it.”

Haircut fetishism is actually fairly common, especially either close clipped or very long for the unique tactile opportunities they offer, but the “genetalia on head” aspect puts a fun twist on things.

Most of the women I know who are attracted to men:

“I like fucking dudes in the ass with a strap on while they wear cat ears”

Beth:

“I have some “gross” fetishes! I am very into rape fantasy and play. I love the thought of being forced into sex, and forcible orgasm or orgasm denial. I have fantasies about being killed and/or killing someone at the point of orgasm. I also love extreme humiliation (as in someone yelling very bad, derogatory words at me while fucking me), all sorts of non-con slave/sub play, and being raped with weapons – guns, knives, etc. It is extremely hard to discuss my desires with my partners.”

I almost cut this quote out, frankly because it disturbed me, but that would be to betray the purpose of this article and Beth herself.   I hope she is able to explore her desires in a safe, sane and consensual setting with an understanding partner.

Lindsay:

“Is it odd to fantasise [sexually] about being murdered? Idk it’s probably also something to do with suicidal ideation, because sometimes when I’m making a plan to kill myself, it’s more like fantasy, and I get a little excited, especially if it’s gory, bloody? I dunno if you’re done with your article yet, but if not, you could talk to me about that? Might be interesting. (I’ve been mulling over sending this for hourrrsss, lol).”

Apparently a lot of people are really into having threeways with Eros and Thanatos.  That joke was extremely inappropriate.  I cope with all of my emotions with humor, it’s probably not healthy.  

Elise:

“Well, I tend to like male weight gain, males as prey (and females as predators, it’s the vore thing), male/male furry stuff, force feeding men, men with hiccups (the confusion and weakness they show when pointing that out). I draw commissions of ladies being and doing all of the above, but when I occasionally post a male in the same situation, suddenly I get an influx of interestingly negative feedback about how awful and gross I’m being. I’m a service/fap material provider, but the stuff I draw for not-commissions isn’t exactly welcome in my galleries (my largest follower count is nearing 5k, and I’m in demand enough to charge 180úsd/image)

People generally tend to think I’m male, and if they know I’m female, their first contact is most often outrageous flirting and suggesting I ought to post images of myself (for them to fap to). When I tell them no, they either get aggressive, defensive or act hurt in some way. Usually I only get them to stop by telling them I have a fiance.

Regardless, I still have about 4 people who have continued to message me for years despite me blocking and reporting them at every turn.

So, people tend to objectify me heavily because of the stuff I post for commissions, for stuff other people have paid me to draw.

When I post the stuff I like, people tend to be really grossed out and send messages about how it’s disgusting and stuff. Somehow my own fetishes make them not want to message me… so I guess that means I’m less objectified when drawing my own stuff. Most of my followers are men and seem really insecure about being shown as weak, sexually inexperienced or in any way that is not 100% perfect and macho.”

I don’t think this needs any caption, it sums up everything that I’ve been saying.  Men love their own kinks, but often times when presented with a man as the object of even kinks they themselves like, they get really freaking upset.

All of these women are lovely people.  All of these women have kinks regarded as disturbing by the outside world, and yet when you think about it, when was the last time you heard about a woman keeping men imprisoned as sex slaves in her basement, about a woman committing murder for a sexual thrill (it does happen, but it is very rare)   Sexual violence is not a result of how dark or unsettling your fantasies are, but a result of how easy it is for you to disregard another person’s humanity.  Women are socialized to view men as human, as fully human in a way men are not socialized to view women as fully human.  Women like these are important in part because they shatter patriarchal myths about womanhood and female sexuality, and because they present a model moving forward of how you can have the most disturbing sexual fantasies imaginable and never harm a living soul (or fuck an actual corpse).  This is not to say men with disturbing fantasies always act on them, obviously the vast majority do not, but statistics show that men make up the majority of serial killers, rapists, and other perpetrators of sexually motivated crimes.  This is not because women do not have the same incidence of violent or disturbing sexual fantasies, but because women are more strongly socialized not to act on them, and to view men as human… well lookie there, whole lot fewer horrible sex murders committed.

If after all this you still suspect that women are sexually less perverse and more squeamish than men, go look at Y! Gallery, Fanfiction.Net and anywhere else women look for something to fap to, look into the abyss, who knows, you might find something you like.