Tag: WLW

Lately I’ve Been Processing a lot of the pain I have surrounding being gay

I used to think that because I grew up in a “progressive area”, because my first girlfriend and I got away with fucking in the highschool bathroom, because my family was fairly cool about it… that I was y’ know… okay?

But like I remember being 12 and trying so hard to have crushes on boys because I wanted so badly to be normal… because the other kids used gay as an insult, because I wanted to be able to be friends with the other girls my age without that hot tight miserable knot of longing and dishonesty in my stomach, because I was a fat kid who dressed weird and liked weird things and said weird things and wanted desperately to be liked and why couldn’t this one fucking thing be normal?  Why did everything about me have to mean being alone?

And I remember looking at the lesbian couple who were school administrators at that hippy dippy little school and thinking “but I’m not like them either” because I wasn’t, not wholesome or outdoorsy enough, not hale and hearty and pink cheeked.

I hated nature at that age. I’m not the type to go hiking.  

And I remember fantasizing about what it’d be like to be one of the boys that one of the girls I had a crush on liked and I remember the acute pain of knowing that I didn’t fit.

and I remember being older and feeling like I couldn’t even get being gay right.  And I remember liking boys, but hating the way I was supposed to relate to them.  I’ve never liked the way men are supposed to treat women, even the nice parts.  I remember never feeling like I was right or enough or whatever with women.  

I was too girly in the wrong ways and too loud and too strange and too difficult.  

I want to write a sapphic version of “The Venus In Furs”

I identify so strongly with the way men are characterized in these lines:

“Don’t you know me yet? Yes, I am _cruel_–since you take so much
delight in that word-and am I not entitled to be so? Man is the one
who desires, woman the one who is desired. This is woman’s entire but
decisive advantage. Through his passion nature has given man into
woman’s hands, and the woman who does not know how to make him her
subject, her slave, her toy, and how to betray him with a smile in the
end is not wise.”

“Exactly your principles,” I interrupted angrily.

“They are based on the experience of thousands of years,” she
replied ironically, while her white fingers played over the dark fur.
“The more devoted a woman shows herself, the sooner the man sobers
down and becomes domineering. The more cruelly she treats him and the
more faithless she is, the worse she uses him, the more wantonly she
plays with him, the less pity she shows him, by so much the more will
she increase his desire, be loved, worshipped by him. So it has
always been, since the time of Helen and Delilah, down to Catherine
the Second and Lola Montez.”

Also so like I’m sorta dating Julia Genesis (by which I mean she’s my girlfriend and has been for like a little while now… And yes I am still happily married… so yeah… and no I am not seeking more partners.  She and D are already more babelyness than I can properly cope with). I’m sitting next to her right now while she plays borderlands