BDSM looks like it takes too much effort
what
i think sex is best when its spontaneous and in the moment. People who are into bdsm seem like they go through a lot just to prepare. not saying that some of that stuff wouldnt be fun but like idk i’d rather spend money on drugs to have crazy sex instead of various toys and rope and stuff
+1
I’m not a huge fan of BDSM because of some of my political views but even when I give it a chance in my mind I just don’t find it appealing. I’ve had a partner bring it into one of my relationships in the past and maybe I’m a bad actor but I wasn’t into it at all and felt cheesy as hell, plus my personal biases against 96.2% of it.
Spontaneous, random shit in the bedroom is far more exciting than going into it with a plan of what role you’re going to “play” and busting out a suitcase full of toys. I feel like kinksters spend so much time rebelling from “vanilla” sex and trying to make themselves seem different that they miss the forest for the trees. Toys and even roleplaying can be fun and not unhealthy but when your ENTIRE sex life is centered around it, idk, I get a weird vibe from it.
Meh it can be a hobby like any other hobby, domming is my job, honestly, it’s a lot of labor, subs just kinda get to enjoy the result of all the prep. IDK, I also think a lot of people don’t understand that the dynamics are different between play and the actual relationships. I’ve dealt with a lot of rapey abusive subs in my life, which is one of the reasons why I can’t enjoy domming at all
I still have a hard time decontextualizing fetishization as “just a preference” or “play” especially when considering all the other social dynamics at play. I don’t think it’s really possible to enter into a “scene” as if it were a clean slate, and exit it and just go about your normal life. It’s a cool idea but IDK, I don’t buy it. I’m not the most well-read on this topic so these are mostly my thoughts I’ve gathered from others here and there.
I don’t think you can either, but what I’m saying is that the surface dynamic in BDSM is usually not what’s going on at a deeper level. Like I was abused and raped by a submissive. Like you can threaten and badger and coerce someone into using a whip just as much as you can do badger and coerce and threaten someone onto being on the receiving end. I’m well aware that my sexual play is related to how I’m treated in the outside world, my issues with my mother, my upbringing in a part of the country and culture where femininity was considered the most horrible politically regressive thing ever.
I was more of a lifestyler when I was just recovering from the years of abuse I received at a sub dudes hands. Being a bottom helped me process a lot of my trauma and reminded me that I didn’t have to do things I didn’t enjoy sexually to be a “Good” feminist (my ex was always telling me that the kind of sex I wanted to have with him was degrading to women, but apparently slapping me around non-sexually, accusing me of cheating, lying to me constantly, and demanding I be on top despite my joint problems wasn’t). I also think that claiming that spontaneity is the only way to have enjoyable healthy sex is pretty fucked up. Like as a survivor sometimes the ritual preparation, and the like pre-sexual discussion of what we’re going to do, and having that space to explain where I’m at is the only way I can have sex that feels safe, and is enjoyable for me.
Like I think outside power dynamics come into sex all the time, but I also think that like… saying that a person “is incapable of consent” because they’re from a marginalized group is reducing them to the status of children, denying them bodily autonomy, and claiming that you know how and when they should fuck better than they do. It’s fucking condescending.
I also think that the idea that I’m arguing that you come into sex and out of sex a tabula rasa is disingenuous and fucked up. I bring all my baggage into the bedroom, and it comes out with me too (often a little lighter). You don’t have to claim your sex life is utterly unaffected by the rest of your life or vice versa to claim that BDSM doesn’t have to be unhealthy, people respond to shit in a myriad of ways, I’m not unaware of where my kinks come from, or what they have to do with the outside world. Being explicit about what I like, what I don’t, selecting toys, and scenarios and scenes is a way of having control over something that someone else controlled and shamed me for for a long time.
Like basically, what you’re saying is kind of a vast over simplification and although it is to some extent true, you’re applying it kinda wrong.
Can you explain what you mean by the surface dynamic being different than what’s going on at a deeper level? Seems contradictory to the fact that you’re agreeing with me that outside power dynamics find their way into the bedroom, especially in BDSM (sorry if I’m presuming too much, correct me if I’m wrong but that’s what you seem to be agreeing with me on?). I could just be ignoring the obvious, which I do a lot, but I’m having trouble following.
I’m sorry you went through all of that. Sounds really shitty and I’m glad you’ve used your kink and sexuality as a way to cope and deal with that, I wouldn’t dare try and take that away from you. I don’t mean to talk down or condescend, or pretend that there’s only one healthy way to have sex, I think you’re mistaking what I’m saying is a mostly personal choice as a general, all-encompassing denunciation of BDSM. I’m not totally opposed to BDSM, I think it’s toxic in a cisheteronormative world despite the desperate urgings of cis-kinksters. They’ll spend hours telling you how LGBT-friendly BDSM is but there’s tons and tons of homophobia and heteronormativity in the community.
My ex that I mentioned that kinda pushed me into trying out BDSM actually didn’t tell me about her kinky proclivities months into our relationship because she actively avoids self-proclaimed kinky males because of the sheer amount of mental and physical abuse they’ve put her through. She has kinky friends who go through the same shit. I suppose it’s not a mere coincidence that most men in BDSM think of themselves as doms and most women as subs. Obviously that’s not true in every case, but on the majority…
I agree what I’m saying is an oversimplification and probably [definitely] misapplied, but like I said, these are just a very baseline collection of thoughts that I’ve gathered from here and there. I don’t pretend to be the most well-read and I actually have a hard time reading because I have a learning disability, so give-and-takes like this are usually helpful for me in learning and exploring ideas, so I thank you for taking the time to express your thoughts and prod mine.
Basically I was saying that the outside power dynamic has more effect on what’s actually going on than what the roles appear to be in a BDSM scene. Like if the guy in the gimp mask threatened the lady whipping him with abandonment, told her she wasn’t a “real domme” if she didn’t and generally twisted her arm into doing it, he’s the abuser, even though she’s the one doing the whipping.
I also think it’s worth noting that the modern BDSM scene originates from exclusively gay spaces. Modern BDSM culture comes from the old guard gay leather scene that cropped up with gay men returning from WWII, the fact that the spaces are now mostly populated by cishets is aberrant (and gross)
I do think it’s no coincidence that “the scene” (which I no longer participate in outside of work stuff, I play in private with my spouse) features mostly dominant men and submissive women (though I would say the numbers are dominant men, submissive men, submissive women, dominant women, from largest to smallest, with the number of submissive men being at near parity with that of dominant men, why there are so few dominant women is a question in and of itself, I theorize it’s because the iconography and imagery associated with femdom is so entirely focused on the male gaze)
I honestly dislike most of the “kink community” I find it’s usually embarrassing , but it’s essentially similar to most nerd communities, claims to be progressive, is in fact profoundly regressive and shelters predatory men, but like… comics fandom is the same, and no one claims the issue is inherent to comics.
I also hate how much like other nerd communities, most of the material and content it produces consists of pale imitations of earlier stuff (like how many fantasy novels are “Lord of The Rings by someone without Tolkien’s grounding in linguistics and folklore” and like they sort of want to be EYes Wide Shut but they won’t take off their Star Wars t-shirt and it’s embarrassing, and then there’s the thing where they lampshade the absurdity of what they’re doing but like being aware they’re doing it doesn’t actually make it better.
Thoughts From The Peacock Angel 