Me attempting prayer:

Dear deities of various genders because I’m sure there are more than two, the universe, and whatever, thanks for stuff. Also why did you make this one dude so annoying? Like I’m sure you have your reasons for doing stuff, but like why is he so fucking annoying? Thank you for his money though, seriously I do appreciate you sending that my way… but christ he’s fucking irritating. Does he irritate you too? Do you regret giving him free will? Yeah I figured.

Me: I’m feeling sad and anxious.
Me: Did you take your anti-anxiety and antidepressant meds today?
Me: I don’t see how that’s related.

Me: Looks at Instagram photos to figure out the date on which I last washed my hair.
Me: 5 days ago, cool, I have a couple more days before I have to wash it.

Basically, they cut all the cool bits out of Roman history in school to make white people look more civilized than everyone else and now no one cares about it

Life’s a gas

Me to husband: so I might have accidentally made a tiiiny bit of chlorine gas when I was trying to clean the bathroom

If I actually got everything on my Amazon wishlist I would have so much weird garbage, like a 100 pack of fluffy pens and three different life size statues of pirates making weird faces

Me at 2 am: I definitely need a sexy fake bronze statue of a mermaid
Me the rest of the time: that is exactly the opposite of what I need

My husband’s political analysis:

Democrats: We love you so much, elephant-senpai
Republicans *tsundere vibe*: Go away!
Communists: Just make out already for fuck’s sake!

Me, to husband, gesturing at dog: Look at this weird bug I found.
Me, to husband, gesturing at dog: Have you met my friend Richard the Lionhearted?
Me, to husband, gesturing at dog: Have you noticed this extraordinarily large baby?
Me, to husband, gesturing at dog: This tiny man has quite a number of toes.