Me at nearly 7AM having pleasured myself to Yolandi Visser’s hair for approximately an hour and 45 minutes, eating frozen mango chunks: it’s the really the little things that matter in life. Am I funny?

Me up at 6 AM masturbating to Yolandi Visser’s hair: is it weird that one of my major physical insecurities is my ankles? Holy shit I think I just saw god.

Current major fetish:

Watching women get super super short bangs/unusually shaped bangs (v, u, or like rounded, but they have to be super blunt)… what the actual fuck? What even is my sexuality? (I mean like pretty dang gay obvs but like what is it up to? Why is it doing that? Like BANGS TEENY TINY BANGS??? Seriously, how is that erotic?
I don’t even know, and I’m the one masturbating to it.)

…like no? My current roster of compulsive behaviors is like… good?

Also like does anyone actually go “Y’ know what, alcoholism just isn’t cutting it… but what else is there to be addicted to… hmm I think I’ll make a pros and cons list for the possible candidates”

Also so I made a free vid for niteflirt the other night

which was mostly me being pretty and rambling about reasons to call me and one of my clients was like “You cribbed like half of this from Adorno, didn’t you?” and I was like “…maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe… but it was Debord”

I think when people ask what breed my dog is I’m going to tell them he’s a teacup poodle (he’s a giant pitbull). He already has leopard print “Diva” bowls, a rhinestoned collar and I’m working on finding a pink canopy dog bed.

My Future Kid: Mommy I want to be a police officer for Halloween.
Me: But sweetie you were a pig last year

My favorite things third parties have said about me to people who know me

“She’s like a French waitress from space” – My then girlfriend’s father to her

“She doesn’t look like a communist” – My brother’s teacher

“I was coming back from the conjuring and I saw a woman dressed all in white, and then she disappeared, and I got super freaked out” – My brother’s then boss.

“Why is she dressed like Scarlet O’Hara?” – Different then girlfriend’s father (I think he meant Miss Scarlet from Clue because I was wearing all red)

I mostly have guy friends because that’s who I mostly don’t get all Heavenly Creatures with

Also like I bought the Kat Von D

Damned Lipstick in the full size because my gf complimented me when I wore the mini I have the other day… and this is like an example of a thing that occurs frequently between us (selling eachother on new cosmetic products) and like I don’t think cosmetics companies realize the marketing potential of femme4femme couples.

I swear to god we should both be getting commission with the amount of makeup we buy because of eachother.