Tag: humor

Niteflirtvale

“Please introduce yourselves” say the woman on the line, as she always does, is it your imagination or has she started to sound like she’s pleading with you?

“please stay on the line” and the music always comes, the infernal music.  You can’t seem to get it out of your head, how did it go?  do-doo-dee-doo?  It haunts you

“1 minute remaining” and you have the unsettling feeling that they mean it more than usual

The woman in the background of the website smiles her eternal purple smile, why is she smiling?  You will never know… or if you do know you’ll wish you didn’t.

The woman in the purple wig in the banner ad looks at you, she can see the depths of your soul, she knows your sin.  “Speak to your desire” she whispers, but you don’t want to talk to him again,

Who is that voice crackling and distant on the other end of the line?  What did he just say he wanted you to do to him with a jar of bees?  The buzzing on the line gets louder, louder, ever louder.

The men’s section is a mass of chaos, is the submissive men section meant for submissive operators or submissive callers?  Who are these voices in the ether?  Is anyone really ever at the other end of the line?

Between fantasy and couples there is a section labeled other, you must never go there, it is forbidden.

How many demons ply their trade in the femdom section?  How many souls have they consumed? How much is fantasy?  You can find out, it’s just a phone call after all.

In a tiny font, at the bottom of a user agreement you see a text in ominous yellow letters “NF Services operated by Strexcorp”

Have you considered gay vampires getting married?

Gay marriage has just been legalized in their state. The vampires are at the courthouse to get their marriage license.
Vampire 1 *checking phone, sees “this couple waited 50 years to get married” story*: Honey, how come we don’t have an article on upworthy? We’ve been waiting for like two hundred years for this!
Vampire 2: Because we look like we’re 19 year olds who haven’t thought this through because, in case you forgot, we’re bloody vampires.
Vampire 1: But we’ve been waiting way longer. I want a news story.
Vampire 2: How does “Vampires reveal themselves to get heart warming human interest clickbait article coverage, are immediately staked” sound as a title?
Vampire 1: Point taken.

babeimgonnaleaveu:

Jimi Hendrix having his hair done while reading Mad magazine, 1968.

I love how happy his hairdresser looks, she’s just beaming because “OH MY GOD I’M DOING JIMI HENDRIX’S HAIR!” and he’s like “…I think you might be a little overexcited, breathe” and she’s like “OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG THIS IS THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE, I HAVE ACHIEVED TRUE GREATNESS” and he’s like “Chill, I just want to read Spy Vs. Spy.”

15 Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Working

  1. They’ve got shifty eyes
  2. You find a horse in the stable where your horse oughta be.  
  3. They explain the horse away as a milk cow.
  4. IDK screaming? 
  5. They tell you “I think this relationship isn’t working”
  6. Uncontrollable itching
  7. “Here I Go Again On My Own” by White Snake playing constantly in the background
  8. They correct your pronunciation of hasenpfeffer
  9. A flock of ravens passing westward over your house
  10. Your orchard blooms out of season
  11. Roosters laying eggs
  12. Old women cross themselves when you pass by
  13. The well goes dry
  14. Bad harvest
  15. You can’t stop reading these goddamn stupid listicles about whether or not your relationship is working.

thepeacockangel:

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thepeacockangel:

harikondabolu:

A fan made this image of my tweet and I appreciate it.

That said Monopoly was kind of designed to show you how miserable and shitty capitalism is.

So long as you’re not a sore loser, it’s a lot of fun!

Ok I’m kidding. But seriously winning is fun. Both in monopoly and capitalism.

Yes, winning a game in a rigged system where your birth drastically effects the amount of money you start with is super fucking fun for the people whose lives are built on the backs of the workers.

Play the cards in your hand, whatever they are

Oh look I got revolution, all bourgois players must either submit all their property for redistribution or go immediately to the gulag.

Do not pass go.  Do not receive 200 dollars.

Redistribution? Are you high? You can have one property and I’ll write it off as a donation deduction.

Gulag.

Actually let’s make that

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